Consistency Is Key

Steinberg CH. 7: Be Consistent 

*Be Consistent from Day to Day

-"The single greatest contributer to children's disciplinary problems is inconsistent parenting".
-The most important disciplinary tool you have is consistency.
-We are often inconsistent without even realizing it.  If you are having problems with disciplining your child, take a step back and see if the real problem is your own inconsistencies.
-The most significant cause of inconsistency is probably stress--this is common when the parents are going through a significant change or when a family is going through a financially hard time.  These are the times you need to be most consistent with your children.

*The Significance of Routines

-"Consistency in your daily routines will breed consistency in your parenting".
-Regulate the daily rhythms of your household as much as you can.  Its okay to relax your routines on the weekends, but keep in mind that the farther you veer from your weekday routines, the harder it will be for your child to return to them on mondays.
-Keep bedtime consistent
-The key factor in regulating your child's internal clock is the time he wakes up, not when he goes to sleep.
-Familiar routines help children to feel safe and secure because they feel like they are sort of in control when they know what to expect.

*How Important Is a United Front?

-The younger a child is, the more important it is for parents to be united in terms of disciplining.  Children 6 or younger see the world as black and white; right and wrong.  If parents aren't united, this will become confusing for the child, and one parent will become "right" and one will become "wrong".
-The need to see things as black and white will lessen for kids between ages 6 and 11.  If your child is 11 or younger, try to present a united front with your spouse.
-If you and your spouse disagree on something related to discipline, the first step is to talk it through outside the earshot of the child.  Don't try to work out differences of opinion in front of the child.
-If you and your spouse are both technically correct, but still don't agree, consider these things:

1.  Decide on the basis of which parent the issue is more important to.
-"If you dont care all that much, it makes no sense to stand on principle".
2.  Err on the side of caution
-"Its a lot easier for a lenient parent to live with a cautious decision than vice versa".
3.  Decide on the basis of which one of you has more relevant expertise.
4.  Decide on the basis of which parent is going to bear the brunt of the decision.
-If what you decide is going to affect one spouse's daily routine more than yours, give them more say.
5.  When all else fails, decide on the basis of equity between to two of you.
-If one spouse has continually gotten their way, its probably time to even things out.

-Support each other with the decision, even if you disagree.
-This will teach your child the importance of compromise.
-Do not ever undermine your spouse by helping the child work around the decision the two of you have made.

*Be Consistent Without Being Rigid

-"Good parents are flexible without being inconsistent".
-"Consistent discipline is adapted to fit the situation, whereas rigid discipline is the same regardless of circumstances".
-Inflexibility is foolish and is only a way to assert power and authority over your child.
-"Reasonable exceptions to your rules do not undermine your authority, they strengthen it, because they show that your rules are thoughtful and not arbitrary".
-"It is not inconsistent to revise rules when you realize that they might be wrong or developmentally inappropriate.  Its sensible".
-To be flexible, you need to focus more on your child's intent and less on the behavior.
-"When making decisions about discipline, its your child's motives, not his actions, that really matter".

*Identify Your Nonnegotiables

-Nonnegotiables: Rules you've established that are so important that it is perfectly appropriate to enforce them in an uncompromising way.
-"Your list of nonnegotiables should be short and should include only rules that affect your child's safety and health, involve an illegal behavior, or involve a deeply held family value or tradition".
-"The more your authority is based on wisdom and not power, the less your child will challenge it".