-Children need rules to be explained specifically and explicitly and you should never assume that your child knows what you expect from him. He doesn't have the same experiences, priorities, or judgment that you do.
-Reasons why expectations aren't clear:
1. They're stated too vaguely.
-"Clean your room" to your child may mean just putting the books back on the bookshelf.
-"Practice piano" to your child may mean only 5 minutes of practice.
-"Children of all ages, even when they have reached adolescence, need a lot of specific direction".
-If your task for your child has a lot of different components, it may be good to make a checklist for them if they're very young.
2. The expectations are not entirely clear to you.
-Always be sure that you know the specifics of the expectations before communicating them to your children.
-"Tailor your expectations to match your child's maturity level. Your expectations should be set so that meeting them requires a level of maturity that slightly exceeds what your child has shown up to that point. but that is still within your child's reach". (Scaffolding)
-If you overestimated your child's maturity or ability to do a certain task, don't turn it into failure for them. Instead, talk about what went right and what could be done next time.
*Reasoning With Your Child
-Always explain the reasoning behind your rules. Children are more likely to comply if they know the reason for complying.
-Children of different ages don't think about rules in the same ways, but here is a good guideline to follow:
-For children under 6, your explanation needs to be reasonable.
-For children between 6 and 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable and logical.
-For children older than 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable, logical, and consistent with other things you have said or done.
*Because I Said So
-"Because I said so" is not informative, and your child's questions could be linked to bigger questions about how the world works, so not giving them any information is not helpful to their understanding.
-"If your request has no good reason other than to show your child that you are the boss, your request is a bad one".
*Hear Your Child's Point Of View
-By at least listening to their opinion, it shows that you value them.
-Listening to your child's opinion will make your job as a parent easier by:
1. When you make a good-faith effort to understand your child's point of view, you convey the idea that your decision making is based on what makes sense and not simply your own opinion.
2. When you solicit your child's opinion, you make her a part of the decision making process.
3. Hearing what your child has to say will help you understand how she looks at things, and this will make your job as a parent easier.
*Admit Your Mistakes
-Acknowledging errors or mistakes is a sign of maturity, which is something you're trying to teach your child.
-Admit your mistake early rather than waiting for your child to point it out to you.
-When you are wrong, be the bigger person.
1) Consider a time when you were given an important task to do, but the instructions were very unclear. What was it like? How did you feel? How did you respond?
2) What does "Because I said so" teach our children? What type of message does it send?
3) Steinberg suggests that "If, after the fact, you conclude that the way you punished your child for a misdeed was excessively harsh, tell your child that you made a mistake and undo what you did." How can you undo harsh verbal or physical punishment?
-List 5 family rules or expectations you believe would be important to have.
1. Curfew is midnight.
2. Chores have to be done before mom starts cooking dinner at 5 o'clock.
3. Boys are not allowed in bedrooms with the door shut.
4. TV/video games are not allowed past 9:30 p.m.
5. You have to checkin with mom and dad before you go out and when you get back.
-Make a list of key principles that you feel could help guide these family rules/expectations (and perhaps could be used to inform other parenting rules and decisions).
-Agency
-Chastity
-Health
-Connect the rules with the principles. How might you explain this connection to a child under six? Between six and eleven? A teenager? (see p.164)
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