Unconditional Parenting

Kohn Ch. 7: Principles of Unconditional Parenting

*Ways to express unconditional love

1.  Be reflective
-Be honest with yourself about your motives.

2.  Reconsider your requests
-"Before searching for some method to get kids to do what we tell them, we should first take the time to rethink the value or necessity of our requests."

3.  Keep your eye on your long-term goals
-Keep a sense of perspective
-"Whether your child spills the chocolate milk today, or loses her temper, or forgets to do her homework doesn't matter nearly as much as the things you do that either help or don't help her to become a decent, responsible, compassionate person."

4.  Put the relationship first
-"Before we resort to controlling interventions, before we make a child unhappy, and certainly before we do anything that could be construed as placing conditions on our love, we should make absolutely sure it's worth the possible strain on the relationship."

5.  Change how you see, not just how you act
-We need to see a child's "problem behavior" as a teaching moment that "invites us to include them in the process of solving the problem, which is more likely to be effective."

6.  Respect
-Children deserve their feelings and desires to be just as respected as an adult's.

7.  Be authentic
-Its okay to make and admit to mistakes.  Let your children know that you're only human.
-This will increase their respect for you as a parent.

8.  Talk less, ask more
-We don't always know why children are upset.  Don't assume you do.
-Try to figure out the source of the problem and what they child needs.
-Ask thoughtful questions so that you can be more responsive and supportive.

9.  Keep their ages in mind
-Keep your expectations in line with their development.

10.  Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
-Don't assume the worst motives in your children.
-Misbehavior is most likely due to age and development.
-"Just because a child's action may have a negative effect on you doesn't mean that was the child's intention."
-Be consistent with the facts; if a 12 year old's motive is in fact to intentionally hurt someone, you can't just say, "Oh, he's still developing.  He didn't know what he was doing."

11.  Don't stick to your no's unnecessarily
-We shouldn't be restricting our children simply because what they want to do in inconvenient for us.  Yes, our needs as parents are valid too, but children need learning experiences and opportunities to do things.
-Think about the reason you're saying no.

12.  Don't be rigid
 -Don't overdo predictability.
-"The point isn't just whether children know what to expect; it's whether what they've come to expect makes sense."
-There are differences between parents, and sometimes its okay to let children see that.
-"Important life lessons are lost when both parents feel compelled to take the same position on every issue in front of the kids, not to mention the inherent dishonesty of doing so."

13.  Don't be in a hurry
-"Rather than trying to change your child's behavior, it usually makes more sense to alter the environment."
-Savor the time you have with your children.