-Reasons we parent the way we do can usually be put into four categories:
1. What we see and hear
-We learned how to parent by watching someone parent us.
-Ask yourself, "why am I doing this with my child?" If its because that's the way you were raised, you might want to think about whether its the best thing or not.
-Many people will try and influence you in your parenting (especially if you're a new parent). Think about their advice before taking it.
-Focus on "working with" strategies with your children rather than "doing to".
2. What we believe
*How we regard children
-"If children in general aren't held in great esteem, it becomes easier for parents, even basically good parents, to treat their own kids disrespectfully."
-Those who have a negative view of human nature tend to be more controlling with their children.
*How we think children are treated
-"To create the impression that kids today are out of control is to lay the groundwork for advice about how we need to stop indulging them, return to more traditional discipline, and so on. Parents who accept that description (of kids who are insufficiently controlled) are more receptive to this prescription (for more control)."
-We don't need more discipline; we need parent to spend more time with their kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect.
*Competition
-Do we see our kids as opponents to be beaten?
-"The moms and dads who are most likely to try to control their children and who do the most damage to them, are those who need to win."
*Capabilities of children
-"Those who rely on traditional discipline have a tendency to overestimate what children can manage on their own."
-You have to realize that at certain ages, kids just don't have the skills that would make it sensible for you to hold them accountable for certain behaviors.
-Make sure your "high standards" aren't too high for their developmental stage.
*Conformity
-"The more that people in a culture want children to conform to traditional rules and authority... the more likely... that they will use corporal punishment."
*Justice as retribution
-Many parents use punishment because they see it as a moral imperative; "they must suffer for their crimes".
*Religion
-Many religions believe in a God that only loves them conditionally; do well and keep the commandments, and you will be blessed, sin and you are damned.
-This conditional love can, in some cases, translate to parenting.
*Either/Or Thinking
-Don't fall into the trap of thinking there are only two ways to parent; "I must punish my child, or she will get away with it".
-"To recognize that there are many possible ways of raising children, and to question the validity of various other ideologies, is to free us to explore new directions that may end up making a lot more sense than the conventional wisdom."
3. What we feel
-The way we were parented (even if it was horrible) is often the way we end up parenting. One of the explanations for this is that we feel this innate desire to believe that what our parents did to us was really just for our own good and was done out of love. Another explanation is that if you didn't get it as a child, you don't know how to give it. For example, if your parents weren't authoritative parents, you don't know how to be an authoritative parent.
-Do not let your own needs surpass your child's. Do not try and get from your child what you're lacking from your spouse. This will warp the child's development.
4. What we fear
*Fear of parental inadequacy
-Do not take advice that is reassuring but bad.
-Don't give in to all of your child's demands
-Do not over assert authority to convince yourself that you are in control.
*Fear of powerlessness
-Parents who feel like they don't have power, are more likely to use coercive control tactics.
-This fear can often shift us from "working with" our children to "doing to" our children.
*Fear of being judged
-"We're most likely to resort to coercive tactics, and to become preoccupied with the need to control our children when we're out in public".
*Fear for our children's safety
-Be careful that you're not giving your child too few opportunities to make decisions about what he's doing in the name of protecting him.
*Fear of babying
-Don't force your children to grow up too fast.
-Don't compare your child to other children of her age.
*Fear of permissiveness
-The fear of permissiveness will cause many parents to be strict and rigid.
-"We're unlikely to meet our long-term goals for our kids unless we're ready to ask the following questions: Is it possible that what I just did with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interest?"
Sliding vs. deciding
You can never slide upwards. You have to decide to be better, you won't just slide into it. You will slide into your parents' parenting habits. If you want to change, you have to decide to.
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