Competition In Childhood

Kohn Ch. 5: Pushed To Succeed 

-As children get older, they start to receive the message that not only are they expected to be compliant, but they are also supposed to be successful.  "Not only to be good, but to do well".
-"Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success". -Erich Fromm
-"In extreme cases, the 'press for success' can reach a fever pitch, such that the child's present is essentially mortgaged to the future".
-The SES of the family will affect the nature of the pressures applied to the children.
-Don't push children to be better than their peers; this will affect their self esteem.  "Competition makes self-esteem conditional and precarious, and it has that effect on winners and losers alike".
-Are you pushing your child for your child's sake or are you pushing them for your own interest?
-BIRG: Basking In Reflected Glory
-Redshirting: Holding your child back from kindergarten for a year so that they'll be older, and presumably more adept, than their classmates.

*At School

-Research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen:

1.  They lose interest in the learning itself.
-This doesn't happen to every child.
-The more a child thinks about grades, the more likely their natural curiosity will go away.

2.  They try to avoid tasks that are challenging.
-Grades lead students to pick the easiest possible assignment when they're given the choice.
-They're not unmotivated, they're being rational.
-Parent who value achievement more than learning tend to encourage their children to do tasks that "involve a minimum of struggle and likely result in success".
-When parents value learning, their children will likely stretch themselves and do things that are new and interesting even if they don't know how those things will turn out.

3.  They're less likely to think deeply and critically.
-They just do what they need to for the grade.

*At "Play"

-A child's extra circulars should be for them to have fun and not necessarily all about succeeding.
-When parents push children to play certain sports or succeed at certain things, the child will feel like he/she let his/her parents down when they don't play to the level the parent wants.

*The Little Engine That Must

-"Competition holds people back from working or learning at their best".

-"If people were unconditionally loved in all domains of life, would they still be as driven to succeed?"
1.  "If this line of thinking did make sense, it probably would apply only to adults.  Children need to be loved unconditionally".
2.  "Its worth asking what, exactly, is supposed to be the basis for deciding whether or not to value someone".
3.  "Even if conditional approval did produce results, we find ourselves once again having to consider all the hidden costs--that is, the broader, deeper, and longer-lasting effects of a strategy that, at first glance, seems to work".
4.  "As with competition, it turns out there really isn't a trade-off at all because conditional acceptance usually doesn't work, even to reach the limited goal of higher achievement.  At best, its effectiveness is limited to some people, at some tasks, on some occasions".