Punishment

Kohn Ch. 4

-"How likely is it that intentionally making children unhappy will prove beneficial in the long run? And: If punishment is so effective, how come I have to keep doing it to my child over and over?"
-"Parents who 'punish[ed] rule-breaking behavior in their children at home often had children who demonstrated higher levels of rule-breaking when away from home'".
-Corporal punishment makes children more aggressive and leads to other damaging consequences.
-Sometimes we re-label punishments as "consequences".  We spell them out to our children so that they will know what will happen to them if they do something we dont want them to do.  "Remember that if you do x, then I will do y to you".  This can be a way for parents to ease their own conscience, but all it really is is threatening our children.
-Natural consequences (your late for dinner, you get to go hungry) tell children, "you could've helped me, but you didnt".  Natural consequences are really a form of punishment.
-"Its important to refrain from punishing precisely when we're most angry or frustrated".
-"Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other"-Ginott

Why Punishment Fails:

1.  It makes people mad
-Those who feel like victims may eventually become victimizers.

2.  It models the use of power
-Not only does punishment make a child angry, but it also "simultaneously provides him with a model for expressing that hostility outwardly...in other words, it teaches that might makes right".

3.  It eventually loses its effectiveness
-"Once your power begins to ebb--and it will--you've got nothing left".
-"'The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence'.  The more you rely on punishment therefore, 'the less real influence you'll have on their lives'".

4.  It erodes our relationships with our kids
-"We become enforcers to be avoided".
-Children lose their trust in us.

5.  It distracts kids from the important issues
-Punishment leads kids to focus on how unfair the punishment is, how to avoid it next time, how mean their parents are, and how to get revenge rather than on why they're being punished.
-Sets up a strong incentive to lie and sneak around.

6.  It makes kids more self-centered
-Kids ask what they have to do to avoid punishment or gain reward rather than asking themselves what kind of people they want to become.  Everything is then self-interest.
-The child is focused on the consequences only for himself.
-Punishment impedes moral thinking.

-Eliminate the bad stuff for the good stuff to work.