The Costs of Control

Kohn Ch. 3

-"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness".
-What constitutes misbehavior in a child in the first place?

*Which Kids Do What They're Told?

-"On balance, the kids who do what they're told are likely to be those whose parents don't rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them".
-Be clear about what you want as a parent, but also listen to and respect your child's individuality and autonomy.

*Opposite Extremes

-Controlling parents can cause their children to become excessively compliant or excessively defiant.  This can greatly affect their self-esteem and cause them to act out in other places in the future.
-Some children will start leading a double life: good in front of parents, but sneaky behind their backs.

*Overeating, Underenjoying, and Other Costs of Control

-"The more children feel restricted and controlled, the greater the chance of 'outright resistance to what socializers intend to foster'--and the more unstable the children's identity, or sense of self, will tend to be".
-"When we control kids excessively...by offering them rewards and praise for doing what we want--they start to become dependent on external sources of control...they lose their ability to regulate themselves.".
*Food
-Parents who tried to control their children's food intake or who used food as a reward had children who eventually could not control their caloric intake later on.
*Morals
-"Those who are pressured to do as they're told are unlikely to think through ethical dilemmas for themselves".
*Interests
-Those who are control in what they do and how they do it are less likely to stick with challenging things later on.
*Skills
-Controlling parents not only make kids less interested in things they're doing, but also less proficient in those things.

-Children need structure, but thats not the same as control.
-"As a rule, reasonable structures are imposed only when necessary, in a flexible manner, without undue restrictiveness, and, when possible, with the participation of the child."
-"The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive."