Parenting & Prophets

*Elder Russell M. Nelson

-Completely available
-Spends time with his children
-Doesn't let things like TV distract him from parenting
-Financially sound
-Wrote to his daughters who were away on a regular basis
-Kind
-Helped his wife with young children
-Understanding
-Good sense of humor
-Fun to be around
-Listens
-Penitent
-"We don't own our children; we have them for a short season. As 

parents, we have the privilege to love them, to lead them, and then to let them go."

-Identical perception of child-rearing practices between the oldest and youngest child.

*President Henry B. Eyring

-Wise and selfless

-Gave all his time to his family

-Did projects with his kids

-Patient teaching and mentoring

-"Could give instruction and counsel designed to ameliorate the weaknesses while building on the 

strengths".

-Saw his childrens' inherent goodness

-Built faith and self confidence in his kids

-Had mental models of his sons and daughters and built activities around those.

-Saw his kids as individuals

-Prayed to know their potentials

-Prayed for revelation to know how to help his children

*Elder Neal A. Maxwell

-Family activities

-Giving blessings to his children

-Giving blessings to his wife

-Giving time to relationships

-Surprising family members every once in a while 

-Writing letters to children

-Bearing testimony privately to children

-Reading scriptures

-Having gospel conversations

-Willingly learning from the children

-Helping family members deal with opposition

-Holding back clever, but hurtful comments

-Didn't let work dominate his time

-Put his time and money into the memories with his children

-Spontaneous story time

-Counseling was suggestive, but non-directive

-Realistic and flexible

-Respected their childrens' agency and let them choose

-Direct when needed

-Asked for feedback from children

-Gave sincere compliments

-Gave praise, but also gentle suggestions

*"Love--The Essence of the Gospel"-President Thomas S. Monson

-"We cannot truly love God if we do not love our fellow travelers on this mortal journey. Likewise, we cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all."

-"We are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father and, as such, are brothers and sisters. As we keep this truth in mind, loving all of God’s children will become easier."

-"Love is the very essence of the gospel, and Jesus Christ is our Exemplar. His life was a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved. At the end the angry mob took His life. And yet there rings from Golgotha’s hill the words: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do”⁴—a crowning expression in mortality of compassion and love."

-Our parenting legacy should be one of love.  We heal our children when they are sick and we lift them when they are downtrodden.  Even if they hate us sometimes, we forgive them and we show them compassion and love.

-"There are many attributes which are manifestations of love, such as kindness, patience, selflessness, understanding, and forgiveness. In all our associations, these and other such attributes will help make evident the love in our hearts."

-We need to show love through our everyday actions.  We also need to learn to recognize our childrens' needs and respond to them.

-Give kind instruction and help to your children until they have the confidence to do things on their own.

-“We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters."-Spencer W. Kimball

-Our children were given to us to love and to serve.

-"Some of our greatest opportunities to demonstrate our love will be within the walls of our own homes. Love should be the very heart of family life, and yet sometimes it is not. There can be too much impatience, too much arguing, too many fights, too many tears." 

-"Lamented President Gordon B. Hinckley: 'Why is it that the [ones] we love [most] become so frequently the targets of our harsh words? Why is it that [we] sometimes speak as if with daggers that cut to the quick?' The answers to these questions may be different for each of us, and yet the bottom line is that the reasons do not matter. If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect."
-After disciplining our children, we need to show an increase of love towards them. (D&C 121:43)
-Be considerate and sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of your children.
-Don't demean of belittle.  Be compassionate and encouraging.
-Careless words or actions can destroy self-confidence.
-"Forgiveness should go hand in hand with love. In our families, as well as with our friends, there can be hurt feelings and disagreements. Again, it doesn’t really matter how small the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to canker, to fester, and ultimately to destroy. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals."
-“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’”-John Greenleaf Whittier
-"Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that each person has within himself or herself the 'power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged.' Said he, 'Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.'"
-Begin now expressing love to those around you.

The Child's Perspective

Kohn Ch. 10: The Child's Perspective 

-"How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?"

*Moral Kids 

1.  Care about them
-"The cornerstone of moral development is the connection between parent and child."
-"Secure attachment, nurturance, respect, responsiveness, and empathy" are the basic needs of human beings.  When these needs are met, children can focus their attention on others rather than themselves and how to get those needs met.

2.  Show them how a moral person lives
-Show children how you feel and think about certain issues.  You are setting the example for them.

3.  Let them practice
-People learn by doing.
-Give children opportunities to help.  When kids cooperate with others, they learn to care for others.

4.  Talk with them
-It's not enough just to have good values; these values need to be taught directly and in a way that the child understands.
-Help children understand the why behind what you tell them.
-Help children develop reasons to support their own views, even if you don't fully agree with those views.
-Help kids see that the reason to help isn't what they'll get out of it, but the effects their actions have on others.
-"Please" and "thank you" should be to make people feel better, not to adhere to social nicety norms.

*Perspective Taking

-There are 3 kinds of perspective taking:
1.  Spatial: Considering how other people see the world--what's one my left is on their right.
2.  Imagining how others think about things--one person might have a problem solving a problem that seems easy to me, or someone has different view on parenting.
3.  Imagining how others feel--how something could upset someone, but wouldn't upset me.

-Those who can take another's perspective are more likely to reach out and help others.
-"Kafka once described war as a 'monstrous failure of imagination'.  In order to kill, one must cease to see individual human beings and instead reduce them to abstractions such as 'the enemy.'  One must fail to realize that each person underneath our bombs is the center of his universe just as you are the center of yours: He gets the flu, worries about his aged mother, likes sweets, falls in love--even though he lives half a world away and speaks a different language.  To see things from his point of view is to recognize all the particulars that make him human, and ultimately it is to understand that his life is no less valuable than yours."
-"'Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you',...'Their tastes may not be the same'--or we might add, their needs or values, or backgrounds."
-How do you encourage perspective taking?
1.  Setting an example
2.  Discussing books and television shows with our kids in a way that highlights the characters' diverse perspectives.
3.  Use perspective taking as a tool to help siblings resolve their conflicts.
4.  Gently direct a young child's attention to someone's tone of voice, posture, or facial expression and invite them to reflect on what that person might be thinking and how he or she might be feeling.

*Through Your Child's Eyes

-Try to see your child's perspective.
-"Talk less, ask more" is about seeing things from a different perspective.
-"Rethinking our requests" can stem from realizing that our demands are not reasonable from our child's perspective.
-Perspective taking has multiple benefits:
1.  It helps us figure out what's really going on
2.  It makes us more patient with our children's moods
3.  It helps us set an example
-"Disrespect is the weapon of the weak."

Punishment

Steinberg Ch. 8

*Should Children Be Punished?

-"There are only three basic ways to get your child to change his behavior when he's done something you disapprove of: punish him, reward him for some desirable alternative behavior, or explain why what he did was wrong and tell him how you'd like him to behave the next time."
-"The important question about punishment, or about almost any disciplinary technique, for that matter, is not whether the technique should be used, but when and how."

-The ways to punish children fall into two categories:
1.  Power assertion:  When you use the power advantage you have over your child with things like time-out, privilege deprivation, spanking, and yelling.
-Only effective if you have power over your child--this will work better for young children and less for teenagers.
2.  Love withdrawal: Making your child feel sad, guilty, or ashamed for having disappointed or angered you with things like silent treatment, acting cold or aloof, telling your child that you're upset at what he did or that he disappointed you.
-Only works if your child cares about your parent-child relationship enough to feel sad, guilty, ect.

-"The first rule of effective punishment is that any punishment must be unpleasant to be effective."  You have to make them feel bad enough that they will stop the behavior.
-"To be effective, punishment has to be administered consistently."  Consistency is more important than the form of punishment.
-Punishment must be administered quickly after the misdeed.  With young children, this will prevent them from being confused about the reason they're being punished.
-"It's pointless to punish your child halfway, and actually cruel to do so, because all you will have done is make your child feel bad, but not quite bad enough to have any lasting impact."
-If you feel bad about punishing your child, remember this: "the more effectively you use punishment, the less you'll have to do it".

    a. Is there anything about Steinberg's claim in this section that you disagree with?

I disagree VERY much with a lot of what Steinberg claims in this section of chapter 8.  I disagree that there are only two ways to punish children, I disagree that there are only two categories of punishment, and most especially I disagree that you have to make children feel bad to make them behave well.  How are you supposed to determine as a parent that your child "feels bad enough" or that they "feel bad enough" that that behavior will never happen again?  I think that's a ridiculous notion.

    b. What do you think Kohn would say about Power Assertion and Love Withdrawal?

I think Kohn would say that both of these techniques are ineffective.  The very fact that Steinberg says punishment has to be consistent shows that the techniques being used each time are not as effective as some other ones may be.  I think Kohn would point that out.

    c. What do you say about it?

I hated this section a lot.  I think it's very close minded and is focused on what the easiest solutions are rather than the most effective in the long-run.

    d. Are there any Principles of Unconditional Parenting that might be particularly helpful at eliminating unwanted behavior? 

The main principle of Unconditional Parenting of "working with" your children in discipline rather than using "doing to" strategies such as punishment or reward.

Let Your Children Choose

Kohn Ch. 9: Choices For Children

*The Benefits of Choosing

-"Let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right."
-Always tell the child why they don't get to choose if you feel you have a good reason to choose for them.
-This helps children have autonomy.
-"People fail to flourish when they feel powerless."
-"The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions."
-Be respectful of your children, love them unconditionally, and give them choices on a regular basis.
-"Empowered kids are in the best position to deal constructively with disempowering circumstances."

*First Words and Last Words

-Just because you're leaving the decision up to the child doesn't mean you have to be silent about your own preferences as the parent.  However, if you're going to give the child the chance to choose what to do, let them have the final say.
-We should give children the first word; that is, to let them make their case.  If they ask if they can go do something, ask them what they think to show that their point of view is valuable before making your own decision as the parent.
-With arguments among siblings, be careful.  "Parental intervention does not guarantee fairness; it only brings into the conflict an even stronger participant whose word is final regardless of the facts."
-Doing-to techniques come easy, autonomy support must be learned.

*Deciding Together

-Explain and discuss.
-Be active and interactive in the way you help your children make decisions.
-Don't make the mistake of sharing decision-making authority too rarely.
-Not everything has to be negotiated with the kids, but kids should know many issues can be negotiated.
-Children are must less likely to resist decisions that they helped to make.
-Even though working things out with kids takes a lot longer than traditional methods, it's one of the best ways parents can spend their time.

*Pseudochoice 

-There are 4 common forms of pseudochoice:

1.  Asking loaded questions--"Do you want to do the dishes now or would you rather do them while your favorite TV show is on?"
-This limits the choices to only two.
-"The language of choice is used to disguise what is basically just a threat." "Wash the dishes now or else I'm not going to let you watch TV".  "Do what I say, or you'll be punished."

2.  Deception occurs after a child does something regarded as inappropriate.
-"You've chosen time-out."

3.  Pretending that the child is responsible  for "making" the parent resort to punishment.
-"Don't make me spank you."

4.  Parents go through the motions of letting the child choose but make it clear how the results must come out.
-"If you ever want to choose again, you'll choose what I want you to."

*The Limits of Limits

-Be careful about setting limits and saying that children want limits.
-"Children may accept limits and even acknowledge their value, but what they need is to be consulted rather than just constrained."
-Don't only let your child make decisions on meaningless matters.
-If we're really limiting our child's choice, it better be for good reason and not just because we're unwilling to give up some control.
-Ask open-ended questions that give kids a chance to generate different ideas rather than giving them choices from a "menu" of choices you've created.
-"Real autonomy comes from construction more than from selection."

*When They Have To, But Don't Want To

-If you haven't been over-controlling, your children are more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt when compliance to your wishes as a parent are nonnegotiable.
-Even so, children will resist.  However,  there are alternatives to rewarding and punishing and laying down the law:
1.  Use the least intrusive strategy
-Be gentle and kind.
-Don't try and discuss when you're child is extremely upset.  Give them time to cool off.
-Request and then move away.  This will take patience and perseverance.
2.  Be honest with them
-Don't invent justifications for your request.  Just tell them the truth.
3.  Explain the rationale
-Offering explanation doesn't guarantee cheerful acceptance of our demands, but acceptance is more likely with explanation.
4.  Turn it into a game
-Help children find some enjoyment in things that really aren't all that fun.
5.  Set an example
-Most rules ought to apply to us as adults as well as to our children.
-Don't be a hypocrite.
6.  Give them as much choice as possible
-"Within the constraints of what they have to do, ask them how they want to do it, or where, or when, or with whom."

-These suggestions can be used in combination.
-Compensatory autonomy support:  when you limit their autonomy in one area of life (for good reasons) but give them more choice in another area.

-Rule 1: If you're out in public, ignore everyone around you.  It's not about what people think of you, it's what your child needs.
-Rule 2:  Imagine how this looks from her point of view.

Kohn VS. Parenting For Dummies

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/parenting-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html

Measure the teachings in this article with the principles in chapter 8 of Kohn's book.

Kohn: Approaching Unconditionality VS. Parenting For Dummies: Being a good parent takes time and patience 

-You have to be continually mindful of parenting unconditionally.  This is going to take time and patience.

Kohn: What to Maximize Vs. Parenting For Dummies: Don't give up on your children. Be persistent and keep trying.  Your kids need you to be strong.  Have fun with your kids.

Kohn says that you need to be in a positive mood more often with your kids, and by having fun with your kids, you can be in that positive mood.  He also says to give reassurances to your kids through words and actions continually.  This means you have to not give up and you have to be persistent.  By being strong as a parent, you are setting an example for your children.

General Parenting Tips

1. You're not going to do everything right.
2. Being a good parent takes time and patience.
3. Parenting is a series of trials and errors.
4. Don't give up on your children. Be persistent and keep trying. Your kids need you to be strong.
5. Have fun with your kids.
6. Turn off the TV and read.
   
   
   

   The Ten Parenting Commandments

   • Thou shalt not make anything more important than thy children.
   • Thou shalt work to have great patience during times of stress.
   • Thou shalt feed thy children healthy, nutritious food.
   • Thou shalt nurture and love thy children.
   • Thou shalt work to protect and keep thy children safe.
   • Thou shalt communicate openly and honestly with thy children.
   • Thou shalt make of thyself a good example at all times.
   • Thou shalt treat thy children with respect.
   • Thou shalt not shake nor physically try to hurt thy children.
   • Thou shalt be a good friend and supporter of thy co-parent.
   
   

How To Love Unconditionally

Kohn Ch. 8: Love Without Strings Attached 

*Approaching Unconditionality

-Be mindful of the issue of unconditional parenting.  Is what you're doing go to make your child feel unconditionally loved?
-Get in the habit of asking yourself, "If that comment I just made to my child had been made to me--or if what I just did had been done to me--would I feel unconditionally loved?"

*What To Minimize

1.  Limit the number of your criticisms
-Too much criticism can make the child feel unworthy.
2.  Limit the scope of each criticism
-Focus on the action, not the child.
3.  Limit the intensity of each criticism
-A little emotion goes a long way.  Children pick up on negative body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.  Be careful.
4.  Look for alternatives to criticism
-"Explicit negative evaluations may not be necessary if we simply say what we see ('Jeremy looked kind of sad after you said that to him').
-Invite the child to think of alternative ways to make things better next time.

*What To Maximize

-Be in a positive mood with your kids.
-Offer reassurances on a regular basis through words and actions that you will love your child no matter what.

*Beyond Threats

-"Punishments and rewards are never advisable and never necessary".
-Unconditional parents don't see their child-parent relationships as adversarial, so their goal is to avoid battles, not to win them.

*Beyond Bribes

-When we do give children things, there should be no strings attached.
-You can never spoil kids with too much unconditional love.
-Unconditional parents are just as proud of their children when they don't succeed as when they do.  This teaches that just because you fail, it doesn't mean that you're a failure.

-The most destructive form of praise is the kind explicitly intended to reinforce what the child is doing.
-"What's most striking about a positive judgement is not that it's positive...what's most striking is that it's a judgement."
-Its not necessary to evaluate kids in order to encourage them.  Just being there and paying attention can be encouragement.
-Praise is usually something we feel we need to give and is rarely something people need.
-If a child does something good for someone, you might direct his attention to the effect it had on the other person.
-Asking questions about something good they've done is good.  This causes kids to keep thinking about the thing they've done.
-In giving compliments or saying thank you, think about these three things:
1.  Why are you saying it?
2.  Who are you saying it to?
3.  What is the effect of saying it?
-Look at the underlying significance of what you say and how it's heard rather than just trying to use or avoid specific words.
-If your child has been accustomed to conditional parenting and need and expect praise, explain to them that you're trying to take a more conditional approach and tell them why you're doing it.

*On Success and Failure

-Evaluate how much emphasis you put on your children to do well.
-"Credential-happy people aren't always happy."
-"Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love."
-"The dangers are just as great if, when they do succeed, we lavish positive reinforcement on them in such a way as to suggest that our love is based on what they've done, not on who they are."
-It's interest in the task that drives excellence.
-In place of pressure, we should offer support.
-The most effective way to help a child succeed  is to do everything possible to help her fall in love with what she's doing, to pay less attention to how successful she was and show more interest in the task.
-"Encourage more, judge less, and love always."

*Teachers and Parents Together

-Be aware of what's happening at your child's school.
-If you don't like what you see and hear, speak to the teacher respectfully about your own long-term goals with your child.
-If the teacher is not receptive and you don't feel its necessary to take action, you may just have to accept that at home your focus with your child is on reasons and values and at school its on behaviors.

Respecting Children

Steinberg Ch. 10: Treat Your Child With Respect

*Getting and giving respect

-If you want your child to respect you, respect your child.
-Respecting your child does not mean disregarding bad behavior, but bad behavior doesn't mean your child disrespects you.
-Ask yourself, "Why do I think my child did this?" rather than "Why doesn't my child respect me?"

*Have Two-Way Conversations

-Most children wish their parents would talk to them more, but there is a difference between talking to and talking with.  You should be talking with by:
1.  Paying attention
2.  Actively solicit your child's viewpoint
3.  Ask questions that call for detailed responses rather than one-word answers.
4.  Don't interrupt
5.  Be genuine

*"Don't Talk Back"

-Your child's youth does not automatically make their feelings or thoughts irrelevant.
-Blanket statements like "don't talk back", "children should be seen and not heard", or "you'll understand when your older" teach children that disagreeing with someone is bad or disrespectful.  "You want your child to understand that reasonable people can disagree and discuss their disagreements respectfully.

*Let Your Child Act His Age

-"Childhood is not a race to see who gets to adulthood first".
-Let your child grow up at their own pace.  Don't be overly concerned about preparing them for preschool or things like that.  They will learn on their own if you let them explore and discover the things around them.
-Not every moment has to be a teaching moment for you and your child.

*Children Treat Others The Way Their Parents Treat Them

-Be respectful and kind to your children and they will likely grow up to be respectful and kind individuals.
-"There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents."

Unconditional Parenting

Kohn Ch. 7: Principles of Unconditional Parenting

*Ways to express unconditional love

1.  Be reflective
-Be honest with yourself about your motives.

2.  Reconsider your requests
-"Before searching for some method to get kids to do what we tell them, we should first take the time to rethink the value or necessity of our requests."

3.  Keep your eye on your long-term goals
-Keep a sense of perspective
-"Whether your child spills the chocolate milk today, or loses her temper, or forgets to do her homework doesn't matter nearly as much as the things you do that either help or don't help her to become a decent, responsible, compassionate person."

4.  Put the relationship first
-"Before we resort to controlling interventions, before we make a child unhappy, and certainly before we do anything that could be construed as placing conditions on our love, we should make absolutely sure it's worth the possible strain on the relationship."

5.  Change how you see, not just how you act
-We need to see a child's "problem behavior" as a teaching moment that "invites us to include them in the process of solving the problem, which is more likely to be effective."

6.  Respect
-Children deserve their feelings and desires to be just as respected as an adult's.

7.  Be authentic
-Its okay to make and admit to mistakes.  Let your children know that you're only human.
-This will increase their respect for you as a parent.

8.  Talk less, ask more
-We don't always know why children are upset.  Don't assume you do.
-Try to figure out the source of the problem and what they child needs.
-Ask thoughtful questions so that you can be more responsive and supportive.

9.  Keep their ages in mind
-Keep your expectations in line with their development.

10.  Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
-Don't assume the worst motives in your children.
-Misbehavior is most likely due to age and development.
-"Just because a child's action may have a negative effect on you doesn't mean that was the child's intention."
-Be consistent with the facts; if a 12 year old's motive is in fact to intentionally hurt someone, you can't just say, "Oh, he's still developing.  He didn't know what he was doing."

11.  Don't stick to your no's unnecessarily
-We shouldn't be restricting our children simply because what they want to do in inconvenient for us.  Yes, our needs as parents are valid too, but children need learning experiences and opportunities to do things.
-Think about the reason you're saying no.

12.  Don't be rigid
 -Don't overdo predictability.
-"The point isn't just whether children know what to expect; it's whether what they've come to expect makes sense."
-There are differences between parents, and sometimes its okay to let children see that.
-"Important life lessons are lost when both parents feel compelled to take the same position on every issue in front of the kids, not to mention the inherent dishonesty of doing so."

13.  Don't be in a hurry
-"Rather than trying to change your child's behavior, it usually makes more sense to alter the environment."
-Savor the time you have with your children.

Why Do We Parent The Way We Do?

Kohn Ch. 6- What Holds Us Back?

-Reasons we parent the way we do can usually be put into four categories:

1.  What we see and hear
-We learned how to parent by watching someone parent us.
-Ask yourself, "why am I doing this with my child?"  If its because that's the way you were raised, you might want to think about whether its the best thing or not.
-Many people will try and influence you in your parenting (especially if you're a new parent).  Think about their advice before taking it.
-Focus on "working with" strategies with your children rather than "doing to".

2.  What we believe
*How we regard children
-"If children in general aren't held in great esteem, it becomes easier for parents, even basically good parents, to treat their own kids disrespectfully."
-Those who have a negative view of human nature tend to be more controlling with their children.
*How we think children are treated
-"To create the impression that kids today are out of control is to lay the groundwork for advice about how we need to stop indulging them, return to more traditional discipline, and so on.  Parents who accept that description (of kids who are insufficiently controlled) are more receptive to this prescription (for more control)."
-We don't need more discipline; we need parent to spend more time with their kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect.
*Competition
-Do we see our kids as opponents to be beaten?
-"The moms and dads who are most likely to try to control their children and who do the most damage to them, are those who need to win."
*Capabilities of children
-"Those who rely on traditional discipline have a tendency to overestimate what children can manage on their own."
-You have to realize that at certain ages, kids just don't have the skills that would make it sensible for you to hold them accountable for certain behaviors.
-Make sure your "high standards" aren't too high for their developmental stage.
*Conformity
-"The more that people in a culture want children to conform to traditional rules and authority... the more likely... that they will use corporal punishment."
*Justice as retribution
-Many parents use punishment because they see it as a moral imperative; "they must suffer for their crimes".
*Religion
-Many religions believe in a God that only loves them conditionally;  do well and keep the commandments, and you will be blessed, sin and you are damned.
-This conditional love can, in some cases, translate to parenting.
*Either/Or Thinking
-Don't fall into the trap of thinking there are only two ways to parent; "I must punish my child, or she will get away with it".
-"To recognize that there are many possible ways of raising children, and to question the validity of various other ideologies, is to free us to explore new directions that may end up making a lot more sense than the conventional wisdom."

3.  What we feel
-The way we were parented (even if it was horrible) is often the way we end up parenting.  One of the explanations for this is that we feel this innate desire to believe that what our parents did to us was really just for our own good and was done out of love.  Another explanation is that if you didn't get it as a child, you don't know how to give it.  For example, if your parents weren't authoritative parents, you don't know how to be an authoritative parent.
-Do not let your own needs surpass your child's.  Do not try and get from your child what you're lacking from your spouse.  This will warp the child's development.

4.  What we fear
*Fear of parental inadequacy
-Do not take advice that is reassuring but bad.
-Don't give in to all of your child's demands
-Do not over assert authority to convince yourself that you are in control.
*Fear of powerlessness
-Parents who feel like they don't have power, are more likely to use coercive control tactics.
-This fear can often shift us from "working with" our children to "doing to" our children.
*Fear of being judged
-"We're most likely to resort to coercive tactics, and to become preoccupied with the need to control our children when we're out in public".
*Fear for our children's safety
-Be careful that you're not giving your child too few opportunities to make decisions about what he's doing in the name of protecting him.
*Fear of babying
-Don't force your children to grow up too fast.
-Don't compare your child to other children of her age.
*Fear of permissiveness
-The fear of permissiveness will cause many parents to be strict and rigid.

-"We're unlikely to meet our long-term goals for our kids unless we're ready to ask the following questions:  Is it possible that what I just did with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interest?"

Sliding vs. deciding

You can never slide upwards. You have to decide to be better, you won't just slide into it. You will slide into your parents' parenting habits. If you want to change, you have to decide to.

Explain Your Rules & Decisions

Steinberg CH. 9: Explain Your Rules and Decisions

-Children need rules to be explained specifically and explicitly and you should never assume that your child knows what you expect from him.  He doesn't have the same experiences, priorities, or judgment that you do.

-Reasons why expectations aren't clear:
1.  They're stated too vaguely.
-"Clean your room" to your child may mean just putting the books back on the bookshelf.
-"Practice piano" to your child may mean only 5 minutes of practice.
-"Children of all ages, even when they have reached adolescence, need a lot of specific direction".
-If your task for your child has a lot of different components, it may be good to make a checklist for them if they're very young.
2.  The expectations are not entirely clear to you.
-Always be sure that you know the specifics of the expectations before communicating them to your children.
-"Tailor your expectations to match your child's maturity level.  Your expectations should be set so that meeting them requires a level of maturity that slightly exceeds what your child has shown up to that point. but that is still within your child's reach". (Scaffolding)
-If you overestimated your child's maturity or ability to do a certain task, don't turn it into failure for them.  Instead, talk about what went right and what could be done next time.

*Reasoning With Your Child

-Always explain the reasoning behind your rules.  Children are more likely to comply if they know the reason for complying.
-Children of different ages don't think about rules in the same ways, but here is a good guideline to follow:

-For children under 6, your explanation needs to be reasonable.
-For children between 6 and 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable and logical.
-For children older than 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable, logical, and consistent with other things you have said or done.

*Because I Said So

-"Because I said so" is not informative, and your child's questions could be linked to bigger questions about how the world works, so not giving them any information is not helpful to their understanding.
-"If your request has no good reason other than to show your child that you are the boss, your request is a bad one".

*Hear Your Child's Point Of View

-By at least listening to their opinion, it shows that you value them.
-Listening to your child's opinion will make your job as a parent easier by:
1.  When you make a good-faith effort to understand your child's point of view, you convey the idea that your decision making is based on what makes sense and not simply your own opinion.
2.  When you solicit your child's opinion, you make her a part of the decision making process.
3.  Hearing what your child has to say will help you understand how she looks at things, and this will make your job as a parent easier.

*Admit Your Mistakes

-Acknowledging errors or mistakes is a sign of maturity, which is something you're trying to teach your child.
-Admit your mistake early rather than waiting for your child to point it out to you.
-When you are wrong, be the bigger person.


1) Consider a time when you were given an important task to do, but the instructions were very unclear. What was it like? How did you feel? How did you respond?

2) What does "Because I said so" teach our children? What type of message does it send?

3) Steinberg suggests that "If, after the fact, you conclude that the way you punished your child for a misdeed was excessively harsh, tell your child that you made a mistake and undo what you did." How can you undo harsh verbal or physical punishment?


-List 5 family rules or expectations you believe would be important to have.

1.  Curfew is midnight.
2.  Chores have to be done before mom starts cooking dinner at 5 o'clock.
3.  Boys are not allowed in bedrooms with the door shut.
4.  TV/video games are not allowed past 9:30 p.m.
5.  You have to checkin with mom and dad before you go out and when you get back.

-Make a list of key principles that you feel could help guide these family rules/expectations (and perhaps could be used to inform other parenting rules and decisions). 

-Agency

-Chastity

-Health

-Connect the rules with the principles. How might you explain this connection to a child under six? Between six and eleven? A teenager? (see p.164)

Competition In Childhood

Kohn Ch. 5: Pushed To Succeed 

-As children get older, they start to receive the message that not only are they expected to be compliant, but they are also supposed to be successful.  "Not only to be good, but to do well".
-"Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success". -Erich Fromm
-"In extreme cases, the 'press for success' can reach a fever pitch, such that the child's present is essentially mortgaged to the future".
-The SES of the family will affect the nature of the pressures applied to the children.
-Don't push children to be better than their peers; this will affect their self esteem.  "Competition makes self-esteem conditional and precarious, and it has that effect on winners and losers alike".
-Are you pushing your child for your child's sake or are you pushing them for your own interest?
-BIRG: Basking In Reflected Glory
-Redshirting: Holding your child back from kindergarten for a year so that they'll be older, and presumably more adept, than their classmates.

*At School

-Research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen:

1.  They lose interest in the learning itself.
-This doesn't happen to every child.
-The more a child thinks about grades, the more likely their natural curiosity will go away.

2.  They try to avoid tasks that are challenging.
-Grades lead students to pick the easiest possible assignment when they're given the choice.
-They're not unmotivated, they're being rational.
-Parent who value achievement more than learning tend to encourage their children to do tasks that "involve a minimum of struggle and likely result in success".
-When parents value learning, their children will likely stretch themselves and do things that are new and interesting even if they don't know how those things will turn out.

3.  They're less likely to think deeply and critically.
-They just do what they need to for the grade.

*At "Play"

-A child's extra circulars should be for them to have fun and not necessarily all about succeeding.
-When parents push children to play certain sports or succeed at certain things, the child will feel like he/she let his/her parents down when they don't play to the level the parent wants.

*The Little Engine That Must

-"Competition holds people back from working or learning at their best".

-"If people were unconditionally loved in all domains of life, would they still be as driven to succeed?"
1.  "If this line of thinking did make sense, it probably would apply only to adults.  Children need to be loved unconditionally".
2.  "Its worth asking what, exactly, is supposed to be the basis for deciding whether or not to value someone".
3.  "Even if conditional approval did produce results, we find ourselves once again having to consider all the hidden costs--that is, the broader, deeper, and longer-lasting effects of a strategy that, at first glance, seems to work".
4.  "As with competition, it turns out there really isn't a trade-off at all because conditional acceptance usually doesn't work, even to reach the limited goal of higher achievement.  At best, its effectiveness is limited to some people, at some tasks, on some occasions".

Consistency Is Key

Steinberg CH. 7: Be Consistent 

*Be Consistent from Day to Day

-"The single greatest contributer to children's disciplinary problems is inconsistent parenting".
-The most important disciplinary tool you have is consistency.
-We are often inconsistent without even realizing it.  If you are having problems with disciplining your child, take a step back and see if the real problem is your own inconsistencies.
-The most significant cause of inconsistency is probably stress--this is common when the parents are going through a significant change or when a family is going through a financially hard time.  These are the times you need to be most consistent with your children.

*The Significance of Routines

-"Consistency in your daily routines will breed consistency in your parenting".
-Regulate the daily rhythms of your household as much as you can.  Its okay to relax your routines on the weekends, but keep in mind that the farther you veer from your weekday routines, the harder it will be for your child to return to them on mondays.
-Keep bedtime consistent
-The key factor in regulating your child's internal clock is the time he wakes up, not when he goes to sleep.
-Familiar routines help children to feel safe and secure because they feel like they are sort of in control when they know what to expect.

*How Important Is a United Front?

-The younger a child is, the more important it is for parents to be united in terms of disciplining.  Children 6 or younger see the world as black and white; right and wrong.  If parents aren't united, this will become confusing for the child, and one parent will become "right" and one will become "wrong".
-The need to see things as black and white will lessen for kids between ages 6 and 11.  If your child is 11 or younger, try to present a united front with your spouse.
-If you and your spouse disagree on something related to discipline, the first step is to talk it through outside the earshot of the child.  Don't try to work out differences of opinion in front of the child.
-If you and your spouse are both technically correct, but still don't agree, consider these things:

1.  Decide on the basis of which parent the issue is more important to.
-"If you dont care all that much, it makes no sense to stand on principle".
2.  Err on the side of caution
-"Its a lot easier for a lenient parent to live with a cautious decision than vice versa".
3.  Decide on the basis of which one of you has more relevant expertise.
4.  Decide on the basis of which parent is going to bear the brunt of the decision.
-If what you decide is going to affect one spouse's daily routine more than yours, give them more say.
5.  When all else fails, decide on the basis of equity between to two of you.
-If one spouse has continually gotten their way, its probably time to even things out.

-Support each other with the decision, even if you disagree.
-This will teach your child the importance of compromise.
-Do not ever undermine your spouse by helping the child work around the decision the two of you have made.

*Be Consistent Without Being Rigid

-"Good parents are flexible without being inconsistent".
-"Consistent discipline is adapted to fit the situation, whereas rigid discipline is the same regardless of circumstances".
-Inflexibility is foolish and is only a way to assert power and authority over your child.
-"Reasonable exceptions to your rules do not undermine your authority, they strengthen it, because they show that your rules are thoughtful and not arbitrary".
-"It is not inconsistent to revise rules when you realize that they might be wrong or developmentally inappropriate.  Its sensible".
-To be flexible, you need to focus more on your child's intent and less on the behavior.
-"When making decisions about discipline, its your child's motives, not his actions, that really matter".

*Identify Your Nonnegotiables

-Nonnegotiables: Rules you've established that are so important that it is perfectly appropriate to enforce them in an uncompromising way.
-"Your list of nonnegotiables should be short and should include only rules that affect your child's safety and health, involve an illegal behavior, or involve a deeply held family value or tradition".
-"The more your authority is based on wisdom and not power, the less your child will challenge it".

Setting Rules & Limits

Steinberg Ch. 5: Establish Rules and Set Limits

-Structure makes children feel secure.

-Rules help your child develop the ability to manage his own behavior.  Gradually the control of your child's behavior shifts from external to internal.

*Be Firm But Be Fair

-At each stage, the child will test his limits.

-"When you know you are right, be firm."

-Parents who aren't firm enough are usually this way for one of two reasons:

1.  Its easier to give in than to deal with their child's resistance when a rule is being enforced.

-If a child learns that he can do certain things to make you give in, they will do these things more.

-The child has the upper hand.

-Giving in sends the message that rules don't matter.

2.  The parent can't take knowing that their child is angry with them.

-Sometimes your desire to be your child's friend will clash with your obligation to be his parent.  Being the parent should always win.

-The child will forget about the dispute long before you will.

-If the relationship between you and the child is basically a good one, a dispute over a rule is not going to last and is not going to affect the relationship in a long-term way.

-How rules are made or enforced is just as critical as whether rules are made and enforced.

-Being fair means establishing rules that make sense, are age appropriate, and are flexible enough to change as your child matures.  They should have logic and purpose behind them.

-Reexamine your rules every once in a while.

-Changing rules when appropriate shows your child that your rules are grounded in what makes sense, not just based on who's in charge.

*The Importance of Monitoring 

-The most important deterrent that parents have against their child getting into trouble is knowing their child's activities, companions, and whereabouts.  You should always be able to answer these three questions:

1.  Where is my child?

2.  Who is with my child?

3.  What is my child doing?

-A poor monitoring pattern will increase the likelihood of your child getting into trouble.

-You should know your child's plans before she heads out and you should know what happened when she was away from home.

-How you keep tabs on your child depends on the type of child you have.

-Even the best behaved children will take chances when they are with their friends and away from adults that they would not take on their own.

-If your child isn't telling you all about what they're doing or who they're with, don't just assume they're doing something bad.  This could just be them seeking independence.  Instead, look for other signs (dropping grades, symptoms of drug or alcohol use, fatigue, hanging around with troubled kids).

*Handling Conflicts Over Rules

-If one party "wins", no one wins.

-When there is an issue that needs solving you basically have 4 choices:

1.  Assert your parental authority.

-This will solve the problem for the parent (maybe) but your child will feel defeated and unfairly treated.

-Children like to feel like their opinion was heard and considered and if they feel like it was, they are more likely to comply.

2.  Give in to your child's wishes

-This is okay is your child is correct and you are mistaken, and also when the issue is trivial to you but important to your child.

-Domino Theory:  When a parent think that if they give in on one small thing, that the child will start taking advantage of that and then try and get the parent to give in on small things.

3.  Compromise

-The compromise should make sense and should leave both parties satisfied.

4.  Joint problem solving

-When you and your child disagree about a rule, see if you can come up with something better together.

-This is not always possible or appropriate.

*Relaxing Limits as Your Child Matures

-As your child gets older, you need to start giving up some of your control gradually.

-As you ease up on some of your restrictions, watch and see how your child responds.

-Make sure that even when easing your control, your child knows your expectations. 

1. How will cell phones and social networking help or hurt my child's need for autonomy?

2. How might these two items create opposition and arguments?

3. Should I monitor and manage my child's accounts?

4. What threats are created to my child's spiritual and emotional well-being by having a cell phone and facebook account?