Back To Basics: The Things That Matter Most

Steinberg Ch. 3

"Of Things That Matter Most"- President Uchtdorf
-"It is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions".
-"There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks".
-“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”
-“We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”-Elder Dallin H. Oaks
-"When we look at the foundational principles of the plan of happiness, the plan of salvation, we can recognize and appreciate in its plainness and simplicity the elegance and beauty of our Heavenly Father’s wisdom. Then, turning our ways to His ways is the beginning of our wisdom."
-"My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most."
*What are the basics?
1.   Our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. 
-We improve our relationship with our Heavenly Father by learning of Him, by communing with Him, by repenting of our sins, and by actively following Jesus Christ
2.  Our second key relationship is with our families.
-We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together.
-In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.
3.  The third key relationship we have is with our fellowman.
-We build this relationship one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents.
4.  The fourth key relationship is with ourselves
-May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. 

-If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

"Raising Resilient Children"

"Raising Resilient Children"-Lyle J. Burrup

Attitudes of Resilience

-"The original definition of the word resilience had to do with a material’s ability to resume its shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed. Today we commonly use the word to describe our ability to bounce back from adversity".

-Adversity and resilience: there is opposition in all things and obtaining anything of great worth requires great sacrifice.

-Children learn to recognize that losing may precede winning.

-"As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control".
-"Another mark of resilience is to see great purpose and meaning in life and people".
-"A sense of purpose will help our children avoid giving up, in spite of setbacks and pressure to do so. If our children are becoming more resilient, they will develop deep values that guide them: charity, virtue, integrity, honesty, work ethic, and faith in God. They will involve themselves in what is happening around them and opt for commitment to values rather than feel alienated and avoid struggle".

Perfectionism Undermines Resilience

-The Lord works through weak and simple servants.  Misunderstanding the command to be perfect is dangerous.

-"striving to be perfect does not mean we never make mistakes but rather that we become fully developed or complete through the Atonement of Christ as we strive to follow Him".
-Society teaches that worth depends on talent and performance.  Children begin to fear failure.
-"Their perfectionism becomes a mean taskmaster, and it wears down their resilience".

Helping Children Develop Resilience

-Treat children with love and respect even when they make mistakes.

-Remind them of their worth and their identity as a son/daughter of God.

-Allow them to make choices and honor their choices.

-Allow for learning and instruction to correct mistakes.

-Allow for repentance and restitution for sin.

• • 
  Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
• • 
  Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
• • 
  Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• • 
  Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• • 
  Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
• • 
  Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
• • 
  Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
• • 
  Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
• • 
  “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson)
• Lessons of Resilience from Childhood

1. 1. 
   Paying the price for privileges.
   I knew that freedom to play with my friends in the coming days depended on whether or not I came home on time.
2. 2. 
   The law of the harvest.
   If I wanted money, I had to deliver the newspapers for my route and collect the money each month.
3. 3. 
   Personal accountability and responsibility.
   I had to complete my own homework, science fair projects, and merit badges.
4. 4. 
   The law of restitution.
   I could make up for misbehavior by apologizing and repairing the wrong. My parents sometimes suggested that I complete extra chores, such as pulling weeds.
5. 5. 
   Learning from mistakes.
   If I made my bed poorly, did not wash the dishes properly, or did not pull weeds properly, I had to redo these tasks correctly.

   Recommendations for Raising Capable, Resilient Children

   INSTEAD OF DOING THIS …	DO THIS …	AND GET THIS RESULT …
   Set random or arbitrary rules and consequences.	Discuss rules and set logical consequences that are reasonable, related to the behavior, and respectful of both parent and child.	Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.
   Allow children to avoid the consequences of their choices.	Allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices.	Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.
   Give mostly correction.	Give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction.	Children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.
   Be arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience.	Consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce.	Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.
   Praise only outcomes.	Praise for effort regardless of outcome.	Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.
   Send the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes.	Tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential.	Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.
   Talk about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent.	Define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice.	Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.
   Try to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers.	Help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.	Children develop perceptions of being capable, will address and solve their problems, and will see that they have control in their lives and can overcome challenges.
   Make children feel dumb by criticizing them, their effort, and their accomplishments.	Listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help.	Children feel more comfortable discussing their mistakes and problems with you.