Respecting Children

Steinberg Ch. 10: Treat Your Child With Respect

*Getting and giving respect

-If you want your child to respect you, respect your child.
-Respecting your child does not mean disregarding bad behavior, but bad behavior doesn't mean your child disrespects you.
-Ask yourself, "Why do I think my child did this?" rather than "Why doesn't my child respect me?"

*Have Two-Way Conversations

-Most children wish their parents would talk to them more, but there is a difference between talking to and talking with.  You should be talking with by:
1.  Paying attention
2.  Actively solicit your child's viewpoint
3.  Ask questions that call for detailed responses rather than one-word answers.
4.  Don't interrupt
5.  Be genuine

*"Don't Talk Back"

-Your child's youth does not automatically make their feelings or thoughts irrelevant.
-Blanket statements like "don't talk back", "children should be seen and not heard", or "you'll understand when your older" teach children that disagreeing with someone is bad or disrespectful.  "You want your child to understand that reasonable people can disagree and discuss their disagreements respectfully.

*Let Your Child Act His Age

-"Childhood is not a race to see who gets to adulthood first".
-Let your child grow up at their own pace.  Don't be overly concerned about preparing them for preschool or things like that.  They will learn on their own if you let them explore and discover the things around them.
-Not every moment has to be a teaching moment for you and your child.

*Children Treat Others The Way Their Parents Treat Them

-Be respectful and kind to your children and they will likely grow up to be respectful and kind individuals.
-"There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents."

Unconditional Parenting

Kohn Ch. 7: Principles of Unconditional Parenting

*Ways to express unconditional love

1.  Be reflective
-Be honest with yourself about your motives.

2.  Reconsider your requests
-"Before searching for some method to get kids to do what we tell them, we should first take the time to rethink the value or necessity of our requests."

3.  Keep your eye on your long-term goals
-Keep a sense of perspective
-"Whether your child spills the chocolate milk today, or loses her temper, or forgets to do her homework doesn't matter nearly as much as the things you do that either help or don't help her to become a decent, responsible, compassionate person."

4.  Put the relationship first
-"Before we resort to controlling interventions, before we make a child unhappy, and certainly before we do anything that could be construed as placing conditions on our love, we should make absolutely sure it's worth the possible strain on the relationship."

5.  Change how you see, not just how you act
-We need to see a child's "problem behavior" as a teaching moment that "invites us to include them in the process of solving the problem, which is more likely to be effective."

6.  Respect
-Children deserve their feelings and desires to be just as respected as an adult's.

7.  Be authentic
-Its okay to make and admit to mistakes.  Let your children know that you're only human.
-This will increase their respect for you as a parent.

8.  Talk less, ask more
-We don't always know why children are upset.  Don't assume you do.
-Try to figure out the source of the problem and what they child needs.
-Ask thoughtful questions so that you can be more responsive and supportive.

9.  Keep their ages in mind
-Keep your expectations in line with their development.

10.  Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
-Don't assume the worst motives in your children.
-Misbehavior is most likely due to age and development.
-"Just because a child's action may have a negative effect on you doesn't mean that was the child's intention."
-Be consistent with the facts; if a 12 year old's motive is in fact to intentionally hurt someone, you can't just say, "Oh, he's still developing.  He didn't know what he was doing."

11.  Don't stick to your no's unnecessarily
-We shouldn't be restricting our children simply because what they want to do in inconvenient for us.  Yes, our needs as parents are valid too, but children need learning experiences and opportunities to do things.
-Think about the reason you're saying no.

12.  Don't be rigid
 -Don't overdo predictability.
-"The point isn't just whether children know what to expect; it's whether what they've come to expect makes sense."
-There are differences between parents, and sometimes its okay to let children see that.
-"Important life lessons are lost when both parents feel compelled to take the same position on every issue in front of the kids, not to mention the inherent dishonesty of doing so."

13.  Don't be in a hurry
-"Rather than trying to change your child's behavior, it usually makes more sense to alter the environment."
-Savor the time you have with your children.

Why Do We Parent The Way We Do?

Kohn Ch. 6- What Holds Us Back?

-Reasons we parent the way we do can usually be put into four categories:

1.  What we see and hear
-We learned how to parent by watching someone parent us.
-Ask yourself, "why am I doing this with my child?"  If its because that's the way you were raised, you might want to think about whether its the best thing or not.
-Many people will try and influence you in your parenting (especially if you're a new parent).  Think about their advice before taking it.
-Focus on "working with" strategies with your children rather than "doing to".

2.  What we believe
*How we regard children
-"If children in general aren't held in great esteem, it becomes easier for parents, even basically good parents, to treat their own kids disrespectfully."
-Those who have a negative view of human nature tend to be more controlling with their children.
*How we think children are treated
-"To create the impression that kids today are out of control is to lay the groundwork for advice about how we need to stop indulging them, return to more traditional discipline, and so on.  Parents who accept that description (of kids who are insufficiently controlled) are more receptive to this prescription (for more control)."
-We don't need more discipline; we need parent to spend more time with their kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect.
*Competition
-Do we see our kids as opponents to be beaten?
-"The moms and dads who are most likely to try to control their children and who do the most damage to them, are those who need to win."
*Capabilities of children
-"Those who rely on traditional discipline have a tendency to overestimate what children can manage on their own."
-You have to realize that at certain ages, kids just don't have the skills that would make it sensible for you to hold them accountable for certain behaviors.
-Make sure your "high standards" aren't too high for their developmental stage.
*Conformity
-"The more that people in a culture want children to conform to traditional rules and authority... the more likely... that they will use corporal punishment."
*Justice as retribution
-Many parents use punishment because they see it as a moral imperative; "they must suffer for their crimes".
*Religion
-Many religions believe in a God that only loves them conditionally;  do well and keep the commandments, and you will be blessed, sin and you are damned.
-This conditional love can, in some cases, translate to parenting.
*Either/Or Thinking
-Don't fall into the trap of thinking there are only two ways to parent; "I must punish my child, or she will get away with it".
-"To recognize that there are many possible ways of raising children, and to question the validity of various other ideologies, is to free us to explore new directions that may end up making a lot more sense than the conventional wisdom."

3.  What we feel
-The way we were parented (even if it was horrible) is often the way we end up parenting.  One of the explanations for this is that we feel this innate desire to believe that what our parents did to us was really just for our own good and was done out of love.  Another explanation is that if you didn't get it as a child, you don't know how to give it.  For example, if your parents weren't authoritative parents, you don't know how to be an authoritative parent.
-Do not let your own needs surpass your child's.  Do not try and get from your child what you're lacking from your spouse.  This will warp the child's development.

4.  What we fear
*Fear of parental inadequacy
-Do not take advice that is reassuring but bad.
-Don't give in to all of your child's demands
-Do not over assert authority to convince yourself that you are in control.
*Fear of powerlessness
-Parents who feel like they don't have power, are more likely to use coercive control tactics.
-This fear can often shift us from "working with" our children to "doing to" our children.
*Fear of being judged
-"We're most likely to resort to coercive tactics, and to become preoccupied with the need to control our children when we're out in public".
*Fear for our children's safety
-Be careful that you're not giving your child too few opportunities to make decisions about what he's doing in the name of protecting him.
*Fear of babying
-Don't force your children to grow up too fast.
-Don't compare your child to other children of her age.
*Fear of permissiveness
-The fear of permissiveness will cause many parents to be strict and rigid.

-"We're unlikely to meet our long-term goals for our kids unless we're ready to ask the following questions:  Is it possible that what I just did with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interest?"

Sliding vs. deciding

You can never slide upwards. You have to decide to be better, you won't just slide into it. You will slide into your parents' parenting habits. If you want to change, you have to decide to.

Explain Your Rules & Decisions

Steinberg CH. 9: Explain Your Rules and Decisions

-Children need rules to be explained specifically and explicitly and you should never assume that your child knows what you expect from him.  He doesn't have the same experiences, priorities, or judgment that you do.

-Reasons why expectations aren't clear:
1.  They're stated too vaguely.
-"Clean your room" to your child may mean just putting the books back on the bookshelf.
-"Practice piano" to your child may mean only 5 minutes of practice.
-"Children of all ages, even when they have reached adolescence, need a lot of specific direction".
-If your task for your child has a lot of different components, it may be good to make a checklist for them if they're very young.
2.  The expectations are not entirely clear to you.
-Always be sure that you know the specifics of the expectations before communicating them to your children.
-"Tailor your expectations to match your child's maturity level.  Your expectations should be set so that meeting them requires a level of maturity that slightly exceeds what your child has shown up to that point. but that is still within your child's reach". (Scaffolding)
-If you overestimated your child's maturity or ability to do a certain task, don't turn it into failure for them.  Instead, talk about what went right and what could be done next time.

*Reasoning With Your Child

-Always explain the reasoning behind your rules.  Children are more likely to comply if they know the reason for complying.
-Children of different ages don't think about rules in the same ways, but here is a good guideline to follow:

-For children under 6, your explanation needs to be reasonable.
-For children between 6 and 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable and logical.
-For children older than 11, your explanation needs to be reasonable, logical, and consistent with other things you have said or done.

*Because I Said So

-"Because I said so" is not informative, and your child's questions could be linked to bigger questions about how the world works, so not giving them any information is not helpful to their understanding.
-"If your request has no good reason other than to show your child that you are the boss, your request is a bad one".

*Hear Your Child's Point Of View

-By at least listening to their opinion, it shows that you value them.
-Listening to your child's opinion will make your job as a parent easier by:
1.  When you make a good-faith effort to understand your child's point of view, you convey the idea that your decision making is based on what makes sense and not simply your own opinion.
2.  When you solicit your child's opinion, you make her a part of the decision making process.
3.  Hearing what your child has to say will help you understand how she looks at things, and this will make your job as a parent easier.

*Admit Your Mistakes

-Acknowledging errors or mistakes is a sign of maturity, which is something you're trying to teach your child.
-Admit your mistake early rather than waiting for your child to point it out to you.
-When you are wrong, be the bigger person.


1) Consider a time when you were given an important task to do, but the instructions were very unclear. What was it like? How did you feel? How did you respond?

2) What does "Because I said so" teach our children? What type of message does it send?

3) Steinberg suggests that "If, after the fact, you conclude that the way you punished your child for a misdeed was excessively harsh, tell your child that you made a mistake and undo what you did." How can you undo harsh verbal or physical punishment?


-List 5 family rules or expectations you believe would be important to have.

1.  Curfew is midnight.
2.  Chores have to be done before mom starts cooking dinner at 5 o'clock.
3.  Boys are not allowed in bedrooms with the door shut.
4.  TV/video games are not allowed past 9:30 p.m.
5.  You have to checkin with mom and dad before you go out and when you get back.

-Make a list of key principles that you feel could help guide these family rules/expectations (and perhaps could be used to inform other parenting rules and decisions). 

-Agency

-Chastity

-Health

-Connect the rules with the principles. How might you explain this connection to a child under six? Between six and eleven? A teenager? (see p.164)

Competition In Childhood

Kohn Ch. 5: Pushed To Succeed 

-As children get older, they start to receive the message that not only are they expected to be compliant, but they are also supposed to be successful.  "Not only to be good, but to do well".
-"Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success". -Erich Fromm
-"In extreme cases, the 'press for success' can reach a fever pitch, such that the child's present is essentially mortgaged to the future".
-The SES of the family will affect the nature of the pressures applied to the children.
-Don't push children to be better than their peers; this will affect their self esteem.  "Competition makes self-esteem conditional and precarious, and it has that effect on winners and losers alike".
-Are you pushing your child for your child's sake or are you pushing them for your own interest?
-BIRG: Basking In Reflected Glory
-Redshirting: Holding your child back from kindergarten for a year so that they'll be older, and presumably more adept, than their classmates.

*At School

-Research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen:

1.  They lose interest in the learning itself.
-This doesn't happen to every child.
-The more a child thinks about grades, the more likely their natural curiosity will go away.

2.  They try to avoid tasks that are challenging.
-Grades lead students to pick the easiest possible assignment when they're given the choice.
-They're not unmotivated, they're being rational.
-Parent who value achievement more than learning tend to encourage their children to do tasks that "involve a minimum of struggle and likely result in success".
-When parents value learning, their children will likely stretch themselves and do things that are new and interesting even if they don't know how those things will turn out.

3.  They're less likely to think deeply and critically.
-They just do what they need to for the grade.

*At "Play"

-A child's extra circulars should be for them to have fun and not necessarily all about succeeding.
-When parents push children to play certain sports or succeed at certain things, the child will feel like he/she let his/her parents down when they don't play to the level the parent wants.

*The Little Engine That Must

-"Competition holds people back from working or learning at their best".

-"If people were unconditionally loved in all domains of life, would they still be as driven to succeed?"
1.  "If this line of thinking did make sense, it probably would apply only to adults.  Children need to be loved unconditionally".
2.  "Its worth asking what, exactly, is supposed to be the basis for deciding whether or not to value someone".
3.  "Even if conditional approval did produce results, we find ourselves once again having to consider all the hidden costs--that is, the broader, deeper, and longer-lasting effects of a strategy that, at first glance, seems to work".
4.  "As with competition, it turns out there really isn't a trade-off at all because conditional acceptance usually doesn't work, even to reach the limited goal of higher achievement.  At best, its effectiveness is limited to some people, at some tasks, on some occasions".

Consistency Is Key

Steinberg CH. 7: Be Consistent 

*Be Consistent from Day to Day

-"The single greatest contributer to children's disciplinary problems is inconsistent parenting".
-The most important disciplinary tool you have is consistency.
-We are often inconsistent without even realizing it.  If you are having problems with disciplining your child, take a step back and see if the real problem is your own inconsistencies.
-The most significant cause of inconsistency is probably stress--this is common when the parents are going through a significant change or when a family is going through a financially hard time.  These are the times you need to be most consistent with your children.

*The Significance of Routines

-"Consistency in your daily routines will breed consistency in your parenting".
-Regulate the daily rhythms of your household as much as you can.  Its okay to relax your routines on the weekends, but keep in mind that the farther you veer from your weekday routines, the harder it will be for your child to return to them on mondays.
-Keep bedtime consistent
-The key factor in regulating your child's internal clock is the time he wakes up, not when he goes to sleep.
-Familiar routines help children to feel safe and secure because they feel like they are sort of in control when they know what to expect.

*How Important Is a United Front?

-The younger a child is, the more important it is for parents to be united in terms of disciplining.  Children 6 or younger see the world as black and white; right and wrong.  If parents aren't united, this will become confusing for the child, and one parent will become "right" and one will become "wrong".
-The need to see things as black and white will lessen for kids between ages 6 and 11.  If your child is 11 or younger, try to present a united front with your spouse.
-If you and your spouse disagree on something related to discipline, the first step is to talk it through outside the earshot of the child.  Don't try to work out differences of opinion in front of the child.
-If you and your spouse are both technically correct, but still don't agree, consider these things:

1.  Decide on the basis of which parent the issue is more important to.
-"If you dont care all that much, it makes no sense to stand on principle".
2.  Err on the side of caution
-"Its a lot easier for a lenient parent to live with a cautious decision than vice versa".
3.  Decide on the basis of which one of you has more relevant expertise.
4.  Decide on the basis of which parent is going to bear the brunt of the decision.
-If what you decide is going to affect one spouse's daily routine more than yours, give them more say.
5.  When all else fails, decide on the basis of equity between to two of you.
-If one spouse has continually gotten their way, its probably time to even things out.

-Support each other with the decision, even if you disagree.
-This will teach your child the importance of compromise.
-Do not ever undermine your spouse by helping the child work around the decision the two of you have made.

*Be Consistent Without Being Rigid

-"Good parents are flexible without being inconsistent".
-"Consistent discipline is adapted to fit the situation, whereas rigid discipline is the same regardless of circumstances".
-Inflexibility is foolish and is only a way to assert power and authority over your child.
-"Reasonable exceptions to your rules do not undermine your authority, they strengthen it, because they show that your rules are thoughtful and not arbitrary".
-"It is not inconsistent to revise rules when you realize that they might be wrong or developmentally inappropriate.  Its sensible".
-To be flexible, you need to focus more on your child's intent and less on the behavior.
-"When making decisions about discipline, its your child's motives, not his actions, that really matter".

*Identify Your Nonnegotiables

-Nonnegotiables: Rules you've established that are so important that it is perfectly appropriate to enforce them in an uncompromising way.
-"Your list of nonnegotiables should be short and should include only rules that affect your child's safety and health, involve an illegal behavior, or involve a deeply held family value or tradition".
-"The more your authority is based on wisdom and not power, the less your child will challenge it".

Setting Rules & Limits

Steinberg Ch. 5: Establish Rules and Set Limits

-Structure makes children feel secure.

-Rules help your child develop the ability to manage his own behavior.  Gradually the control of your child's behavior shifts from external to internal.

*Be Firm But Be Fair

-At each stage, the child will test his limits.

-"When you know you are right, be firm."

-Parents who aren't firm enough are usually this way for one of two reasons:

1.  Its easier to give in than to deal with their child's resistance when a rule is being enforced.

-If a child learns that he can do certain things to make you give in, they will do these things more.

-The child has the upper hand.

-Giving in sends the message that rules don't matter.

2.  The parent can't take knowing that their child is angry with them.

-Sometimes your desire to be your child's friend will clash with your obligation to be his parent.  Being the parent should always win.

-The child will forget about the dispute long before you will.

-If the relationship between you and the child is basically a good one, a dispute over a rule is not going to last and is not going to affect the relationship in a long-term way.

-How rules are made or enforced is just as critical as whether rules are made and enforced.

-Being fair means establishing rules that make sense, are age appropriate, and are flexible enough to change as your child matures.  They should have logic and purpose behind them.

-Reexamine your rules every once in a while.

-Changing rules when appropriate shows your child that your rules are grounded in what makes sense, not just based on who's in charge.

*The Importance of Monitoring 

-The most important deterrent that parents have against their child getting into trouble is knowing their child's activities, companions, and whereabouts.  You should always be able to answer these three questions:

1.  Where is my child?

2.  Who is with my child?

3.  What is my child doing?

-A poor monitoring pattern will increase the likelihood of your child getting into trouble.

-You should know your child's plans before she heads out and you should know what happened when she was away from home.

-How you keep tabs on your child depends on the type of child you have.

-Even the best behaved children will take chances when they are with their friends and away from adults that they would not take on their own.

-If your child isn't telling you all about what they're doing or who they're with, don't just assume they're doing something bad.  This could just be them seeking independence.  Instead, look for other signs (dropping grades, symptoms of drug or alcohol use, fatigue, hanging around with troubled kids).

*Handling Conflicts Over Rules

-If one party "wins", no one wins.

-When there is an issue that needs solving you basically have 4 choices:

1.  Assert your parental authority.

-This will solve the problem for the parent (maybe) but your child will feel defeated and unfairly treated.

-Children like to feel like their opinion was heard and considered and if they feel like it was, they are more likely to comply.

2.  Give in to your child's wishes

-This is okay is your child is correct and you are mistaken, and also when the issue is trivial to you but important to your child.

-Domino Theory:  When a parent think that if they give in on one small thing, that the child will start taking advantage of that and then try and get the parent to give in on small things.

3.  Compromise

-The compromise should make sense and should leave both parties satisfied.

4.  Joint problem solving

-When you and your child disagree about a rule, see if you can come up with something better together.

-This is not always possible or appropriate.

*Relaxing Limits as Your Child Matures

-As your child gets older, you need to start giving up some of your control gradually.

-As you ease up on some of your restrictions, watch and see how your child responds.

-Make sure that even when easing your control, your child knows your expectations. 

1. How will cell phones and social networking help or hurt my child's need for autonomy?

2. How might these two items create opposition and arguments?

3. Should I monitor and manage my child's accounts?

4. What threats are created to my child's spiritual and emotional well-being by having a cell phone and facebook account?

"Protect When You Must, But Permit When You Can"

Steinberg Ch. 6: Protect When You Must, But Permit When You Can

-Its good to have guidelines and structure for when your child requests something new or out of the ordinary.
-For these types of situations where you don't know what the right answer is, remember this: Protect when you must, but permit when you can.

*What does that mean?

-Maximize your child's autonomy so long as it doesn't jeopardize his health, well-being, or future.
-To make the best decision, run through this checklist:

1.  Is what my child wants to do dangerous?
-Done let them do dangerous things.  If you can modify an activity to eliminate the danger, thats fine, but otherwise, be cautious.

2.  Is what my child wants to do unhealthy?
-Don't let them create habits out of unhealthy things.

3.  Is what my child wants to do illegal or immoral?
-How you respond when your child asks about legal or moral dilemmas is important.
-Children will often mention things about lying, cheating, shoplifting, trespassing, ect.

4.  Is what my child wants to do likely to lead to trouble?
-Most risk-taking and dangerous experimental behavior happens when friends get together and there is no adult around.

5.  If something goes wrong, are the consequences irreparable or difficult to undo?
-Children don't think through long-term ramifications.
-If your child will suffer in the future for a decision she makes now, you should intervene.

*Are there situations where your child needs to make a decision that will have long-term effects and you shouldn't intervene even if you think they might make/be making the wrong choice?

-If you need time to think about your decision, let the child know and also give them a time that you'll have the decision by.
-Explain your conclusions.
-Its better to be a thoughtful parent than be indulgent or restrictive merely on principle or just for the sake of consistency.
-Take each situation case-by-case.

Punishment

Kohn Ch. 4

-"How likely is it that intentionally making children unhappy will prove beneficial in the long run? And: If punishment is so effective, how come I have to keep doing it to my child over and over?"
-"Parents who 'punish[ed] rule-breaking behavior in their children at home often had children who demonstrated higher levels of rule-breaking when away from home'".
-Corporal punishment makes children more aggressive and leads to other damaging consequences.
-Sometimes we re-label punishments as "consequences".  We spell them out to our children so that they will know what will happen to them if they do something we dont want them to do.  "Remember that if you do x, then I will do y to you".  This can be a way for parents to ease their own conscience, but all it really is is threatening our children.
-Natural consequences (your late for dinner, you get to go hungry) tell children, "you could've helped me, but you didnt".  Natural consequences are really a form of punishment.
-"Its important to refrain from punishing precisely when we're most angry or frustrated".
-"Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other"-Ginott

Why Punishment Fails:

1.  It makes people mad
-Those who feel like victims may eventually become victimizers.

2.  It models the use of power
-Not only does punishment make a child angry, but it also "simultaneously provides him with a model for expressing that hostility outwardly...in other words, it teaches that might makes right".

3.  It eventually loses its effectiveness
-"Once your power begins to ebb--and it will--you've got nothing left".
-"'The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence'.  The more you rely on punishment therefore, 'the less real influence you'll have on their lives'".

4.  It erodes our relationships with our kids
-"We become enforcers to be avoided".
-Children lose their trust in us.

5.  It distracts kids from the important issues
-Punishment leads kids to focus on how unfair the punishment is, how to avoid it next time, how mean their parents are, and how to get revenge rather than on why they're being punished.
-Sets up a strong incentive to lie and sneak around.

6.  It makes kids more self-centered
-Kids ask what they have to do to avoid punishment or gain reward rather than asking themselves what kind of people they want to become.  Everything is then self-interest.
-The child is focused on the consequences only for himself.
-Punishment impedes moral thinking.

-Eliminate the bad stuff for the good stuff to work.

Patience During Developmental Transitions

Steinberg Ch. 4

"Have Patience During Developmental Transitions"

-Development occurs in sudden spurts.
-Intellectual and emotional development alternates between quiet periods where nothing is really happening and periods of rapid change.
-The most challenging times you'll face as a parent will be during a major developmental period in your child's life.

-Why?

-Watch for major shifts when your child is between ages two and three, and then again when they're around six, twelve, and sixteen.
-There will be mini-transitions between these ages too.
-Development during "sprinting" transitions if often two steps forward, one step backwards for the child.

-What do they mean by two steps forward, one step backward in the context of development?

-Ex: Potty training; they get it one day, and the next day they don't.  This is because this is the way children develop; in fits and starts rather than a steady pace.
-Ex: Sleeping through the night
-These patterns are especially common when the child is going through a psychological growth spurt.
-Between childhood and adolescence, they may be mature one day and totally childish the next.
-"There is nothing to be gained by pointing out to her that she's being inconsistent, even though the temptation to do so may be irresistible".

-Why is that temptation irresistible sometimes?  Why shouldn't we point out their inconsistencies?

-When children go through periods of rapid development, the brain is doing a major reorganization of how its parts work together.
-This doesn't occur smoothly, though.  Remnants of old patterns linger on while new ones are being put in place.
-Around age 12, your child's brain is moving into adolescence, but part of it is still stuck in childhood.  Thats why they're mature one day, and immature the next.
-Transitions take awhile and are just as hard on your child as they are on you.

-Knowing this, how do you adjust your parenting to meet their needs?

-Be supportive, patient, and accepting.
-Be extra flexible and extra understanding.
-Don't take your frustrations out on your child.
-Remember that this won't last forever.

"Your Changing Role As A Parent"

-Your role as a parent changes as your child's needs change.
-Some parent change willingly, others put up a fight.

-Why is it hard for some parents to adapt to their new roles?

-Parents mark their own age by looking and their children's age.
-The realization of having a child who is going on their first date or having a child old enough to be getting their drivers license can be startling.
-"Not changing the way you parent is a way of holding on to your child's youth, which is a way of stopping yourself from feeling older".
-If you don't change with your child, they'll move on without you.
-There are 3 specific shifts in the parenting role that prove especially difficult for parents:

1.  The shift from being the absolute focus of your child's life to being one of many people your child cares about.
-Your child is now able to have important relationships inside and outside the family.
-Instead of viewing this as losing your child, view her ability to relate to others as a gift you've given her by being a good parent.  Allow her to enjoy it.

2.  Shift from controlling your child's life for him to helping him learn how to control it for himself.
-This is especially hard for parents who have strong needs to feel in control.
-Giving up authority can make some parents feel powerless which can lead to anxiety or anger; but if you're able to step back and let your child make his/her own decisions, you can start to feel proud of them and you can know that your parenting had a lot to do with their competence.

3.  Shifting from trying to shape who your child is to allowing your child to be her own person.
-Over time you need to focus less on trying to influence your child by leading her in certain directions, and more on helping her develop the skills she needs to discover who she is.

-How do you do that while still respecting their space and individuality?

-Encourage her to have her own opinions.
-Let her disagree with you.
-Give her privacy.
-Accept that there will be things about her life that you wont know.
-Permit her to be who she wants to be, even if its not what you pictured.

-Parenting is like building a boat; the process of building it is gratifying, but so is launching it and seeing that what you've built can handle the seas.
-Many parents struggle with these changes because they see them as losses, but if you can view them as  changes that have to happen, you can be happier and you can ensure that your child grows into a healthy and happy adult.

The Parenting Pyramid & Courageous Parenting

*What do each of these teach about control? Spend some time pondering the key doctrines and principles contained in each talk and try to reconcile the two.

"Courageous Parenting"- Larry R. Lawrence

- “Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid” (Joshua 1:9)
-The Proclamation teaches that we are responsible for the protection of our children; this means physical as well as spiritual protection.
-Love your child enough to speak directly to them as Alma spoke directly to his son Corianton. 
-Early intervention

-"Parents who love their children cannot afford to be intimidated by them".

-“Sometimes we are afraid of our children—afraid to counsel with them for fear of offending them.”-Robert D. Hales
-"Parenting is not a popularity contest".-Elder Joe J. Christensen

-Husbands and wives need to be united in their parenting decisions.

-“When morality is involved, we have both the right and the obligation to raise a warning voice.”-Boyd K. Packer 

-No sleepovers

-"Peer pressure becomes more powerful when our children are away from our influence and when their defenses are weakened late at night."

-Courageous parenting doesn't always mean saying "no". You also have to have the courage to say "yes".

-"Consider five fundamental practices that have the power to fortify our youth: family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child."

-It takes courage to do those five things.

-"One of the most effective ways we can influence our sons and daughters is to counsel with them in private interviews. By listening closely, we can discover the desires of their hearts, help them set righteous goals, and also share with them the spiritual impressions that we have received about them. Counseling requires courage."

"Only Upon The Principles Of Righteousness"- Elder Larry Y. Wilson 

-The right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness”. It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”
-We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner.⁴ We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously.
-When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.
-Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent.
-Unrighteous dominion is often accompanied by constant criticism and the withholding of approval or love.
-If parents hold on to all decision-making power and see it as their “right,” they severely limit the growth and development of their children.
-Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly.
-Helping children exercise their agency properly requires teaching them how to pray and receive answers to their prayers.
-President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.

"The Parenting Pyramid"- The Arbinger Company

-The most important question is more often "how do I help things go right", and not "how do I punish and correct this behavior" or "what do I do, now that something has gone wrong"?

-"Whatever our individual circumstances with our children, the key to effective parenting is to reverse this order in expenditure of time and energy.  It is to begin focusing our energy on helping things go right rather than on handling them once they have gone wrong".

*Am I Correcting My Children Without Teaching Them?

-"The effectiveness of our correction of our children, whatever method we use, will always depend on the effectiveness of our prior teaching of them". 

-"The better we teach our children, the fewer mistakes they'll make".

-"The more effective we are at teaching...the easier it is to correct them when we have to".

-Discipline should be more like teaching.

*What Is The Quality Of My Relationship With My Children?

-You have to build a relationship with your children before you can effectively teach them.

*What Is The Quality Of My Relationship With My Spouse?

-The quality of the relationship you have with your spouse is never separate from the quality of the relationship you have with your children.  They are connected.

-If there are marital conflicts, children are almost always used or involved.

*How Pure Is My "Way Of Being"?

-Way of being=who we are as people.

-Who we are=the function of our deepest attitudes and sensibilities towards others.

-Our way of being is how we see, experience, and regard people in the world.

-The foundations of parenthood focus on individual goodness, loving relationships in our marriage and with our children, and on teaching.

-These are also the foundations of effective correction when correction is required.

*Using The Parenting Pyramid

-"The solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid".

-The pyramid is a plan for prevention, but sometimes its too late for prevention.

-"Whenever drastic correction is called for with a child, we should begin working on the three deepest levels of the pyramid immediately and simultaneously".

-Do not let corrective action use up all your energy.

-Do what you can, where you can in the pyramid.