Parenting & Prophets

*Elder Russell M. Nelson

-Completely available
-Spends time with his children
-Doesn't let things like TV distract him from parenting
-Financially sound
-Wrote to his daughters who were away on a regular basis
-Kind
-Helped his wife with young children
-Understanding
-Good sense of humor
-Fun to be around
-Listens
-Penitent
-"We don't own our children; we have them for a short season. As 

parents, we have the privilege to love them, to lead them, and then to let them go."

-Identical perception of child-rearing practices between the oldest and youngest child.

*President Henry B. Eyring

-Wise and selfless

-Gave all his time to his family

-Did projects with his kids

-Patient teaching and mentoring

-"Could give instruction and counsel designed to ameliorate the weaknesses while building on the 

strengths".

-Saw his childrens' inherent goodness

-Built faith and self confidence in his kids

-Had mental models of his sons and daughters and built activities around those.

-Saw his kids as individuals

-Prayed to know their potentials

-Prayed for revelation to know how to help his children

*Elder Neal A. Maxwell

-Family activities

-Giving blessings to his children

-Giving blessings to his wife

-Giving time to relationships

-Surprising family members every once in a while 

-Writing letters to children

-Bearing testimony privately to children

-Reading scriptures

-Having gospel conversations

-Willingly learning from the children

-Helping family members deal with opposition

-Holding back clever, but hurtful comments

-Didn't let work dominate his time

-Put his time and money into the memories with his children

-Spontaneous story time

-Counseling was suggestive, but non-directive

-Realistic and flexible

-Respected their childrens' agency and let them choose

-Direct when needed

-Asked for feedback from children

-Gave sincere compliments

-Gave praise, but also gentle suggestions

*"Love--The Essence of the Gospel"-President Thomas S. Monson

-"We cannot truly love God if we do not love our fellow travelers on this mortal journey. Likewise, we cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all."

-"We are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father and, as such, are brothers and sisters. As we keep this truth in mind, loving all of God’s children will become easier."

-"Love is the very essence of the gospel, and Jesus Christ is our Exemplar. His life was a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved. At the end the angry mob took His life. And yet there rings from Golgotha’s hill the words: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do”⁴—a crowning expression in mortality of compassion and love."

-Our parenting legacy should be one of love.  We heal our children when they are sick and we lift them when they are downtrodden.  Even if they hate us sometimes, we forgive them and we show them compassion and love.

-"There are many attributes which are manifestations of love, such as kindness, patience, selflessness, understanding, and forgiveness. In all our associations, these and other such attributes will help make evident the love in our hearts."

-We need to show love through our everyday actions.  We also need to learn to recognize our childrens' needs and respond to them.

-Give kind instruction and help to your children until they have the confidence to do things on their own.

-“We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters."-Spencer W. Kimball

-Our children were given to us to love and to serve.

-"Some of our greatest opportunities to demonstrate our love will be within the walls of our own homes. Love should be the very heart of family life, and yet sometimes it is not. There can be too much impatience, too much arguing, too many fights, too many tears." 

-"Lamented President Gordon B. Hinckley: 'Why is it that the [ones] we love [most] become so frequently the targets of our harsh words? Why is it that [we] sometimes speak as if with daggers that cut to the quick?' The answers to these questions may be different for each of us, and yet the bottom line is that the reasons do not matter. If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect."
-After disciplining our children, we need to show an increase of love towards them. (D&C 121:43)
-Be considerate and sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of your children.
-Don't demean of belittle.  Be compassionate and encouraging.
-Careless words or actions can destroy self-confidence.
-"Forgiveness should go hand in hand with love. In our families, as well as with our friends, there can be hurt feelings and disagreements. Again, it doesn’t really matter how small the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to canker, to fester, and ultimately to destroy. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals."
-“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’”-John Greenleaf Whittier
-"Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that each person has within himself or herself the 'power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged.' Said he, 'Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.'"
-Begin now expressing love to those around you.

The Child's Perspective

Kohn Ch. 10: The Child's Perspective 

-"How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?"

*Moral Kids 

1.  Care about them
-"The cornerstone of moral development is the connection between parent and child."
-"Secure attachment, nurturance, respect, responsiveness, and empathy" are the basic needs of human beings.  When these needs are met, children can focus their attention on others rather than themselves and how to get those needs met.

2.  Show them how a moral person lives
-Show children how you feel and think about certain issues.  You are setting the example for them.

3.  Let them practice
-People learn by doing.
-Give children opportunities to help.  When kids cooperate with others, they learn to care for others.

4.  Talk with them
-It's not enough just to have good values; these values need to be taught directly and in a way that the child understands.
-Help children understand the why behind what you tell them.
-Help children develop reasons to support their own views, even if you don't fully agree with those views.
-Help kids see that the reason to help isn't what they'll get out of it, but the effects their actions have on others.
-"Please" and "thank you" should be to make people feel better, not to adhere to social nicety norms.

*Perspective Taking

-There are 3 kinds of perspective taking:
1.  Spatial: Considering how other people see the world--what's one my left is on their right.
2.  Imagining how others think about things--one person might have a problem solving a problem that seems easy to me, or someone has different view on parenting.
3.  Imagining how others feel--how something could upset someone, but wouldn't upset me.

-Those who can take another's perspective are more likely to reach out and help others.
-"Kafka once described war as a 'monstrous failure of imagination'.  In order to kill, one must cease to see individual human beings and instead reduce them to abstractions such as 'the enemy.'  One must fail to realize that each person underneath our bombs is the center of his universe just as you are the center of yours: He gets the flu, worries about his aged mother, likes sweets, falls in love--even though he lives half a world away and speaks a different language.  To see things from his point of view is to recognize all the particulars that make him human, and ultimately it is to understand that his life is no less valuable than yours."
-"'Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you',...'Their tastes may not be the same'--or we might add, their needs or values, or backgrounds."
-How do you encourage perspective taking?
1.  Setting an example
2.  Discussing books and television shows with our kids in a way that highlights the characters' diverse perspectives.
3.  Use perspective taking as a tool to help siblings resolve their conflicts.
4.  Gently direct a young child's attention to someone's tone of voice, posture, or facial expression and invite them to reflect on what that person might be thinking and how he or she might be feeling.

*Through Your Child's Eyes

-Try to see your child's perspective.
-"Talk less, ask more" is about seeing things from a different perspective.
-"Rethinking our requests" can stem from realizing that our demands are not reasonable from our child's perspective.
-Perspective taking has multiple benefits:
1.  It helps us figure out what's really going on
2.  It makes us more patient with our children's moods
3.  It helps us set an example
-"Disrespect is the weapon of the weak."

Punishment

Steinberg Ch. 8

*Should Children Be Punished?

-"There are only three basic ways to get your child to change his behavior when he's done something you disapprove of: punish him, reward him for some desirable alternative behavior, or explain why what he did was wrong and tell him how you'd like him to behave the next time."
-"The important question about punishment, or about almost any disciplinary technique, for that matter, is not whether the technique should be used, but when and how."

-The ways to punish children fall into two categories:
1.  Power assertion:  When you use the power advantage you have over your child with things like time-out, privilege deprivation, spanking, and yelling.
-Only effective if you have power over your child--this will work better for young children and less for teenagers.
2.  Love withdrawal: Making your child feel sad, guilty, or ashamed for having disappointed or angered you with things like silent treatment, acting cold or aloof, telling your child that you're upset at what he did or that he disappointed you.
-Only works if your child cares about your parent-child relationship enough to feel sad, guilty, ect.

-"The first rule of effective punishment is that any punishment must be unpleasant to be effective."  You have to make them feel bad enough that they will stop the behavior.
-"To be effective, punishment has to be administered consistently."  Consistency is more important than the form of punishment.
-Punishment must be administered quickly after the misdeed.  With young children, this will prevent them from being confused about the reason they're being punished.
-"It's pointless to punish your child halfway, and actually cruel to do so, because all you will have done is make your child feel bad, but not quite bad enough to have any lasting impact."
-If you feel bad about punishing your child, remember this: "the more effectively you use punishment, the less you'll have to do it".

    a. Is there anything about Steinberg's claim in this section that you disagree with?

I disagree VERY much with a lot of what Steinberg claims in this section of chapter 8.  I disagree that there are only two ways to punish children, I disagree that there are only two categories of punishment, and most especially I disagree that you have to make children feel bad to make them behave well.  How are you supposed to determine as a parent that your child "feels bad enough" or that they "feel bad enough" that that behavior will never happen again?  I think that's a ridiculous notion.

    b. What do you think Kohn would say about Power Assertion and Love Withdrawal?

I think Kohn would say that both of these techniques are ineffective.  The very fact that Steinberg says punishment has to be consistent shows that the techniques being used each time are not as effective as some other ones may be.  I think Kohn would point that out.

    c. What do you say about it?

I hated this section a lot.  I think it's very close minded and is focused on what the easiest solutions are rather than the most effective in the long-run.

    d. Are there any Principles of Unconditional Parenting that might be particularly helpful at eliminating unwanted behavior? 

The main principle of Unconditional Parenting of "working with" your children in discipline rather than using "doing to" strategies such as punishment or reward.

Let Your Children Choose

Kohn Ch. 9: Choices For Children

*The Benefits of Choosing

-"Let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right."
-Always tell the child why they don't get to choose if you feel you have a good reason to choose for them.
-This helps children have autonomy.
-"People fail to flourish when they feel powerless."
-"The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions."
-Be respectful of your children, love them unconditionally, and give them choices on a regular basis.
-"Empowered kids are in the best position to deal constructively with disempowering circumstances."

*First Words and Last Words

-Just because you're leaving the decision up to the child doesn't mean you have to be silent about your own preferences as the parent.  However, if you're going to give the child the chance to choose what to do, let them have the final say.
-We should give children the first word; that is, to let them make their case.  If they ask if they can go do something, ask them what they think to show that their point of view is valuable before making your own decision as the parent.
-With arguments among siblings, be careful.  "Parental intervention does not guarantee fairness; it only brings into the conflict an even stronger participant whose word is final regardless of the facts."
-Doing-to techniques come easy, autonomy support must be learned.

*Deciding Together

-Explain and discuss.
-Be active and interactive in the way you help your children make decisions.
-Don't make the mistake of sharing decision-making authority too rarely.
-Not everything has to be negotiated with the kids, but kids should know many issues can be negotiated.
-Children are must less likely to resist decisions that they helped to make.
-Even though working things out with kids takes a lot longer than traditional methods, it's one of the best ways parents can spend their time.

*Pseudochoice 

-There are 4 common forms of pseudochoice:

1.  Asking loaded questions--"Do you want to do the dishes now or would you rather do them while your favorite TV show is on?"
-This limits the choices to only two.
-"The language of choice is used to disguise what is basically just a threat." "Wash the dishes now or else I'm not going to let you watch TV".  "Do what I say, or you'll be punished."

2.  Deception occurs after a child does something regarded as inappropriate.
-"You've chosen time-out."

3.  Pretending that the child is responsible  for "making" the parent resort to punishment.
-"Don't make me spank you."

4.  Parents go through the motions of letting the child choose but make it clear how the results must come out.
-"If you ever want to choose again, you'll choose what I want you to."

*The Limits of Limits

-Be careful about setting limits and saying that children want limits.
-"Children may accept limits and even acknowledge their value, but what they need is to be consulted rather than just constrained."
-Don't only let your child make decisions on meaningless matters.
-If we're really limiting our child's choice, it better be for good reason and not just because we're unwilling to give up some control.
-Ask open-ended questions that give kids a chance to generate different ideas rather than giving them choices from a "menu" of choices you've created.
-"Real autonomy comes from construction more than from selection."

*When They Have To, But Don't Want To

-If you haven't been over-controlling, your children are more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt when compliance to your wishes as a parent are nonnegotiable.
-Even so, children will resist.  However,  there are alternatives to rewarding and punishing and laying down the law:
1.  Use the least intrusive strategy
-Be gentle and kind.
-Don't try and discuss when you're child is extremely upset.  Give them time to cool off.
-Request and then move away.  This will take patience and perseverance.
2.  Be honest with them
-Don't invent justifications for your request.  Just tell them the truth.
3.  Explain the rationale
-Offering explanation doesn't guarantee cheerful acceptance of our demands, but acceptance is more likely with explanation.
4.  Turn it into a game
-Help children find some enjoyment in things that really aren't all that fun.
5.  Set an example
-Most rules ought to apply to us as adults as well as to our children.
-Don't be a hypocrite.
6.  Give them as much choice as possible
-"Within the constraints of what they have to do, ask them how they want to do it, or where, or when, or with whom."

-These suggestions can be used in combination.
-Compensatory autonomy support:  when you limit their autonomy in one area of life (for good reasons) but give them more choice in another area.

-Rule 1: If you're out in public, ignore everyone around you.  It's not about what people think of you, it's what your child needs.
-Rule 2:  Imagine how this looks from her point of view.

Kohn VS. Parenting For Dummies

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/parenting-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html

Measure the teachings in this article with the principles in chapter 8 of Kohn's book.

Kohn: Approaching Unconditionality VS. Parenting For Dummies: Being a good parent takes time and patience 

-You have to be continually mindful of parenting unconditionally.  This is going to take time and patience.

Kohn: What to Maximize Vs. Parenting For Dummies: Don't give up on your children. Be persistent and keep trying.  Your kids need you to be strong.  Have fun with your kids.

Kohn says that you need to be in a positive mood more often with your kids, and by having fun with your kids, you can be in that positive mood.  He also says to give reassurances to your kids through words and actions continually.  This means you have to not give up and you have to be persistent.  By being strong as a parent, you are setting an example for your children.

General Parenting Tips

1. You're not going to do everything right.
2. Being a good parent takes time and patience.
3. Parenting is a series of trials and errors.
4. Don't give up on your children. Be persistent and keep trying. Your kids need you to be strong.
5. Have fun with your kids.
6. Turn off the TV and read.
   
   
   

   The Ten Parenting Commandments

   • Thou shalt not make anything more important than thy children.
   • Thou shalt work to have great patience during times of stress.
   • Thou shalt feed thy children healthy, nutritious food.
   • Thou shalt nurture and love thy children.
   • Thou shalt work to protect and keep thy children safe.
   • Thou shalt communicate openly and honestly with thy children.
   • Thou shalt make of thyself a good example at all times.
   • Thou shalt treat thy children with respect.
   • Thou shalt not shake nor physically try to hurt thy children.
   • Thou shalt be a good friend and supporter of thy co-parent.
   
   

How To Love Unconditionally

Kohn Ch. 8: Love Without Strings Attached 

*Approaching Unconditionality

-Be mindful of the issue of unconditional parenting.  Is what you're doing go to make your child feel unconditionally loved?
-Get in the habit of asking yourself, "If that comment I just made to my child had been made to me--or if what I just did had been done to me--would I feel unconditionally loved?"

*What To Minimize

1.  Limit the number of your criticisms
-Too much criticism can make the child feel unworthy.
2.  Limit the scope of each criticism
-Focus on the action, not the child.
3.  Limit the intensity of each criticism
-A little emotion goes a long way.  Children pick up on negative body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.  Be careful.
4.  Look for alternatives to criticism
-"Explicit negative evaluations may not be necessary if we simply say what we see ('Jeremy looked kind of sad after you said that to him').
-Invite the child to think of alternative ways to make things better next time.

*What To Maximize

-Be in a positive mood with your kids.
-Offer reassurances on a regular basis through words and actions that you will love your child no matter what.

*Beyond Threats

-"Punishments and rewards are never advisable and never necessary".
-Unconditional parents don't see their child-parent relationships as adversarial, so their goal is to avoid battles, not to win them.

*Beyond Bribes

-When we do give children things, there should be no strings attached.
-You can never spoil kids with too much unconditional love.
-Unconditional parents are just as proud of their children when they don't succeed as when they do.  This teaches that just because you fail, it doesn't mean that you're a failure.

-The most destructive form of praise is the kind explicitly intended to reinforce what the child is doing.
-"What's most striking about a positive judgement is not that it's positive...what's most striking is that it's a judgement."
-Its not necessary to evaluate kids in order to encourage them.  Just being there and paying attention can be encouragement.
-Praise is usually something we feel we need to give and is rarely something people need.
-If a child does something good for someone, you might direct his attention to the effect it had on the other person.
-Asking questions about something good they've done is good.  This causes kids to keep thinking about the thing they've done.
-In giving compliments or saying thank you, think about these three things:
1.  Why are you saying it?
2.  Who are you saying it to?
3.  What is the effect of saying it?
-Look at the underlying significance of what you say and how it's heard rather than just trying to use or avoid specific words.
-If your child has been accustomed to conditional parenting and need and expect praise, explain to them that you're trying to take a more conditional approach and tell them why you're doing it.

*On Success and Failure

-Evaluate how much emphasis you put on your children to do well.
-"Credential-happy people aren't always happy."
-"Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love."
-"The dangers are just as great if, when they do succeed, we lavish positive reinforcement on them in such a way as to suggest that our love is based on what they've done, not on who they are."
-It's interest in the task that drives excellence.
-In place of pressure, we should offer support.
-The most effective way to help a child succeed  is to do everything possible to help her fall in love with what she's doing, to pay less attention to how successful she was and show more interest in the task.
-"Encourage more, judge less, and love always."

*Teachers and Parents Together

-Be aware of what's happening at your child's school.
-If you don't like what you see and hear, speak to the teacher respectfully about your own long-term goals with your child.
-If the teacher is not receptive and you don't feel its necessary to take action, you may just have to accept that at home your focus with your child is on reasons and values and at school its on behaviors.