How To Love Unconditionally

Kohn Ch. 8: Love Without Strings Attached 

*Approaching Unconditionality

-Be mindful of the issue of unconditional parenting.  Is what you're doing go to make your child feel unconditionally loved?
-Get in the habit of asking yourself, "If that comment I just made to my child had been made to me--or if what I just did had been done to me--would I feel unconditionally loved?"

*What To Minimize

1.  Limit the number of your criticisms
-Too much criticism can make the child feel unworthy.
2.  Limit the scope of each criticism
-Focus on the action, not the child.
3.  Limit the intensity of each criticism
-A little emotion goes a long way.  Children pick up on negative body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.  Be careful.
4.  Look for alternatives to criticism
-"Explicit negative evaluations may not be necessary if we simply say what we see ('Jeremy looked kind of sad after you said that to him').
-Invite the child to think of alternative ways to make things better next time.

*What To Maximize

-Be in a positive mood with your kids.
-Offer reassurances on a regular basis through words and actions that you will love your child no matter what.

*Beyond Threats

-"Punishments and rewards are never advisable and never necessary".
-Unconditional parents don't see their child-parent relationships as adversarial, so their goal is to avoid battles, not to win them.

*Beyond Bribes

-When we do give children things, there should be no strings attached.
-You can never spoil kids with too much unconditional love.
-Unconditional parents are just as proud of their children when they don't succeed as when they do.  This teaches that just because you fail, it doesn't mean that you're a failure.

-The most destructive form of praise is the kind explicitly intended to reinforce what the child is doing.
-"What's most striking about a positive judgement is not that it's positive...what's most striking is that it's a judgement."
-Its not necessary to evaluate kids in order to encourage them.  Just being there and paying attention can be encouragement.
-Praise is usually something we feel we need to give and is rarely something people need.
-If a child does something good for someone, you might direct his attention to the effect it had on the other person.
-Asking questions about something good they've done is good.  This causes kids to keep thinking about the thing they've done.
-In giving compliments or saying thank you, think about these three things:
1.  Why are you saying it?
2.  Who are you saying it to?
3.  What is the effect of saying it?
-Look at the underlying significance of what you say and how it's heard rather than just trying to use or avoid specific words.
-If your child has been accustomed to conditional parenting and need and expect praise, explain to them that you're trying to take a more conditional approach and tell them why you're doing it.

*On Success and Failure

-Evaluate how much emphasis you put on your children to do well.
-"Credential-happy people aren't always happy."
-"Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love."
-"The dangers are just as great if, when they do succeed, we lavish positive reinforcement on them in such a way as to suggest that our love is based on what they've done, not on who they are."
-It's interest in the task that drives excellence.
-In place of pressure, we should offer support.
-The most effective way to help a child succeed  is to do everything possible to help her fall in love with what she's doing, to pay less attention to how successful she was and show more interest in the task.
-"Encourage more, judge less, and love always."

*Teachers and Parents Together

-Be aware of what's happening at your child's school.
-If you don't like what you see and hear, speak to the teacher respectfully about your own long-term goals with your child.
-If the teacher is not receptive and you don't feel its necessary to take action, you may just have to accept that at home your focus with your child is on reasons and values and at school its on behaviors.