The Child's Perspective

Kohn Ch. 10: The Child's Perspective 

-"How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?"

*Moral Kids 

1.  Care about them
-"The cornerstone of moral development is the connection between parent and child."
-"Secure attachment, nurturance, respect, responsiveness, and empathy" are the basic needs of human beings.  When these needs are met, children can focus their attention on others rather than themselves and how to get those needs met.

2.  Show them how a moral person lives
-Show children how you feel and think about certain issues.  You are setting the example for them.

3.  Let them practice
-People learn by doing.
-Give children opportunities to help.  When kids cooperate with others, they learn to care for others.

4.  Talk with them
-It's not enough just to have good values; these values need to be taught directly and in a way that the child understands.
-Help children understand the why behind what you tell them.
-Help children develop reasons to support their own views, even if you don't fully agree with those views.
-Help kids see that the reason to help isn't what they'll get out of it, but the effects their actions have on others.
-"Please" and "thank you" should be to make people feel better, not to adhere to social nicety norms.

*Perspective Taking

-There are 3 kinds of perspective taking:
1.  Spatial: Considering how other people see the world--what's one my left is on their right.
2.  Imagining how others think about things--one person might have a problem solving a problem that seems easy to me, or someone has different view on parenting.
3.  Imagining how others feel--how something could upset someone, but wouldn't upset me.

-Those who can take another's perspective are more likely to reach out and help others.
-"Kafka once described war as a 'monstrous failure of imagination'.  In order to kill, one must cease to see individual human beings and instead reduce them to abstractions such as 'the enemy.'  One must fail to realize that each person underneath our bombs is the center of his universe just as you are the center of yours: He gets the flu, worries about his aged mother, likes sweets, falls in love--even though he lives half a world away and speaks a different language.  To see things from his point of view is to recognize all the particulars that make him human, and ultimately it is to understand that his life is no less valuable than yours."
-"'Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you',...'Their tastes may not be the same'--or we might add, their needs or values, or backgrounds."
-How do you encourage perspective taking?
1.  Setting an example
2.  Discussing books and television shows with our kids in a way that highlights the characters' diverse perspectives.
3.  Use perspective taking as a tool to help siblings resolve their conflicts.
4.  Gently direct a young child's attention to someone's tone of voice, posture, or facial expression and invite them to reflect on what that person might be thinking and how he or she might be feeling.

*Through Your Child's Eyes

-Try to see your child's perspective.
-"Talk less, ask more" is about seeing things from a different perspective.
-"Rethinking our requests" can stem from realizing that our demands are not reasonable from our child's perspective.
-Perspective taking has multiple benefits:
1.  It helps us figure out what's really going on
2.  It makes us more patient with our children's moods
3.  It helps us set an example
-"Disrespect is the weapon of the weak."