Let Your Children Choose

Kohn Ch. 9: Choices For Children

*The Benefits of Choosing

-"Let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right."
-Always tell the child why they don't get to choose if you feel you have a good reason to choose for them.
-This helps children have autonomy.
-"People fail to flourish when they feel powerless."
-"The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions."
-Be respectful of your children, love them unconditionally, and give them choices on a regular basis.
-"Empowered kids are in the best position to deal constructively with disempowering circumstances."

*First Words and Last Words

-Just because you're leaving the decision up to the child doesn't mean you have to be silent about your own preferences as the parent.  However, if you're going to give the child the chance to choose what to do, let them have the final say.
-We should give children the first word; that is, to let them make their case.  If they ask if they can go do something, ask them what they think to show that their point of view is valuable before making your own decision as the parent.
-With arguments among siblings, be careful.  "Parental intervention does not guarantee fairness; it only brings into the conflict an even stronger participant whose word is final regardless of the facts."
-Doing-to techniques come easy, autonomy support must be learned.

*Deciding Together

-Explain and discuss.
-Be active and interactive in the way you help your children make decisions.
-Don't make the mistake of sharing decision-making authority too rarely.
-Not everything has to be negotiated with the kids, but kids should know many issues can be negotiated.
-Children are must less likely to resist decisions that they helped to make.
-Even though working things out with kids takes a lot longer than traditional methods, it's one of the best ways parents can spend their time.

*Pseudochoice 

-There are 4 common forms of pseudochoice:

1.  Asking loaded questions--"Do you want to do the dishes now or would you rather do them while your favorite TV show is on?"
-This limits the choices to only two.
-"The language of choice is used to disguise what is basically just a threat." "Wash the dishes now or else I'm not going to let you watch TV".  "Do what I say, or you'll be punished."

2.  Deception occurs after a child does something regarded as inappropriate.
-"You've chosen time-out."

3.  Pretending that the child is responsible  for "making" the parent resort to punishment.
-"Don't make me spank you."

4.  Parents go through the motions of letting the child choose but make it clear how the results must come out.
-"If you ever want to choose again, you'll choose what I want you to."

*The Limits of Limits

-Be careful about setting limits and saying that children want limits.
-"Children may accept limits and even acknowledge their value, but what they need is to be consulted rather than just constrained."
-Don't only let your child make decisions on meaningless matters.
-If we're really limiting our child's choice, it better be for good reason and not just because we're unwilling to give up some control.
-Ask open-ended questions that give kids a chance to generate different ideas rather than giving them choices from a "menu" of choices you've created.
-"Real autonomy comes from construction more than from selection."

*When They Have To, But Don't Want To

-If you haven't been over-controlling, your children are more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt when compliance to your wishes as a parent are nonnegotiable.
-Even so, children will resist.  However,  there are alternatives to rewarding and punishing and laying down the law:
1.  Use the least intrusive strategy
-Be gentle and kind.
-Don't try and discuss when you're child is extremely upset.  Give them time to cool off.
-Request and then move away.  This will take patience and perseverance.
2.  Be honest with them
-Don't invent justifications for your request.  Just tell them the truth.
3.  Explain the rationale
-Offering explanation doesn't guarantee cheerful acceptance of our demands, but acceptance is more likely with explanation.
4.  Turn it into a game
-Help children find some enjoyment in things that really aren't all that fun.
5.  Set an example
-Most rules ought to apply to us as adults as well as to our children.
-Don't be a hypocrite.
6.  Give them as much choice as possible
-"Within the constraints of what they have to do, ask them how they want to do it, or where, or when, or with whom."

-These suggestions can be used in combination.
-Compensatory autonomy support:  when you limit their autonomy in one area of life (for good reasons) but give them more choice in another area.

-Rule 1: If you're out in public, ignore everyone around you.  It's not about what people think of you, it's what your child needs.
-Rule 2:  Imagine how this looks from her point of view.