Patience During Developmental Transitions

Steinberg Ch. 4

"Have Patience During Developmental Transitions"

-Development occurs in sudden spurts.
-Intellectual and emotional development alternates between quiet periods where nothing is really happening and periods of rapid change.
-The most challenging times you'll face as a parent will be during a major developmental period in your child's life.

-Why?

-Watch for major shifts when your child is between ages two and three, and then again when they're around six, twelve, and sixteen.
-There will be mini-transitions between these ages too.
-Development during "sprinting" transitions if often two steps forward, one step backwards for the child.

-What do they mean by two steps forward, one step backward in the context of development?

-Ex: Potty training; they get it one day, and the next day they don't.  This is because this is the way children develop; in fits and starts rather than a steady pace.
-Ex: Sleeping through the night
-These patterns are especially common when the child is going through a psychological growth spurt.
-Between childhood and adolescence, they may be mature one day and totally childish the next.
-"There is nothing to be gained by pointing out to her that she's being inconsistent, even though the temptation to do so may be irresistible".

-Why is that temptation irresistible sometimes?  Why shouldn't we point out their inconsistencies?

-When children go through periods of rapid development, the brain is doing a major reorganization of how its parts work together.
-This doesn't occur smoothly, though.  Remnants of old patterns linger on while new ones are being put in place.
-Around age 12, your child's brain is moving into adolescence, but part of it is still stuck in childhood.  Thats why they're mature one day, and immature the next.
-Transitions take awhile and are just as hard on your child as they are on you.

-Knowing this, how do you adjust your parenting to meet their needs?

-Be supportive, patient, and accepting.
-Be extra flexible and extra understanding.
-Don't take your frustrations out on your child.
-Remember that this won't last forever.

"Your Changing Role As A Parent"

-Your role as a parent changes as your child's needs change.
-Some parent change willingly, others put up a fight.

-Why is it hard for some parents to adapt to their new roles?

-Parents mark their own age by looking and their children's age.
-The realization of having a child who is going on their first date or having a child old enough to be getting their drivers license can be startling.
-"Not changing the way you parent is a way of holding on to your child's youth, which is a way of stopping yourself from feeling older".
-If you don't change with your child, they'll move on without you.
-There are 3 specific shifts in the parenting role that prove especially difficult for parents:

1.  The shift from being the absolute focus of your child's life to being one of many people your child cares about.
-Your child is now able to have important relationships inside and outside the family.
-Instead of viewing this as losing your child, view her ability to relate to others as a gift you've given her by being a good parent.  Allow her to enjoy it.

2.  Shift from controlling your child's life for him to helping him learn how to control it for himself.
-This is especially hard for parents who have strong needs to feel in control.
-Giving up authority can make some parents feel powerless which can lead to anxiety or anger; but if you're able to step back and let your child make his/her own decisions, you can start to feel proud of them and you can know that your parenting had a lot to do with their competence.

3.  Shifting from trying to shape who your child is to allowing your child to be her own person.
-Over time you need to focus less on trying to influence your child by leading her in certain directions, and more on helping her develop the skills she needs to discover who she is.

-How do you do that while still respecting their space and individuality?

-Encourage her to have her own opinions.
-Let her disagree with you.
-Give her privacy.
-Accept that there will be things about her life that you wont know.
-Permit her to be who she wants to be, even if its not what you pictured.

-Parenting is like building a boat; the process of building it is gratifying, but so is launching it and seeing that what you've built can handle the seas.
-Many parents struggle with these changes because they see them as losses, but if you can view them as  changes that have to happen, you can be happier and you can ensure that your child grows into a healthy and happy adult.