Setting Rules & Limits

Steinberg Ch. 5: Establish Rules and Set Limits

-Structure makes children feel secure.

-Rules help your child develop the ability to manage his own behavior.  Gradually the control of your child's behavior shifts from external to internal.

*Be Firm But Be Fair

-At each stage, the child will test his limits.

-"When you know you are right, be firm."

-Parents who aren't firm enough are usually this way for one of two reasons:

1.  Its easier to give in than to deal with their child's resistance when a rule is being enforced.

-If a child learns that he can do certain things to make you give in, they will do these things more.

-The child has the upper hand.

-Giving in sends the message that rules don't matter.

2.  The parent can't take knowing that their child is angry with them.

-Sometimes your desire to be your child's friend will clash with your obligation to be his parent.  Being the parent should always win.

-The child will forget about the dispute long before you will.

-If the relationship between you and the child is basically a good one, a dispute over a rule is not going to last and is not going to affect the relationship in a long-term way.

-How rules are made or enforced is just as critical as whether rules are made and enforced.

-Being fair means establishing rules that make sense, are age appropriate, and are flexible enough to change as your child matures.  They should have logic and purpose behind them.

-Reexamine your rules every once in a while.

-Changing rules when appropriate shows your child that your rules are grounded in what makes sense, not just based on who's in charge.

*The Importance of Monitoring 

-The most important deterrent that parents have against their child getting into trouble is knowing their child's activities, companions, and whereabouts.  You should always be able to answer these three questions:

1.  Where is my child?

2.  Who is with my child?

3.  What is my child doing?

-A poor monitoring pattern will increase the likelihood of your child getting into trouble.

-You should know your child's plans before she heads out and you should know what happened when she was away from home.

-How you keep tabs on your child depends on the type of child you have.

-Even the best behaved children will take chances when they are with their friends and away from adults that they would not take on their own.

-If your child isn't telling you all about what they're doing or who they're with, don't just assume they're doing something bad.  This could just be them seeking independence.  Instead, look for other signs (dropping grades, symptoms of drug or alcohol use, fatigue, hanging around with troubled kids).

*Handling Conflicts Over Rules

-If one party "wins", no one wins.

-When there is an issue that needs solving you basically have 4 choices:

1.  Assert your parental authority.

-This will solve the problem for the parent (maybe) but your child will feel defeated and unfairly treated.

-Children like to feel like their opinion was heard and considered and if they feel like it was, they are more likely to comply.

2.  Give in to your child's wishes

-This is okay is your child is correct and you are mistaken, and also when the issue is trivial to you but important to your child.

-Domino Theory:  When a parent think that if they give in on one small thing, that the child will start taking advantage of that and then try and get the parent to give in on small things.

3.  Compromise

-The compromise should make sense and should leave both parties satisfied.

4.  Joint problem solving

-When you and your child disagree about a rule, see if you can come up with something better together.

-This is not always possible or appropriate.

*Relaxing Limits as Your Child Matures

-As your child gets older, you need to start giving up some of your control gradually.

-As you ease up on some of your restrictions, watch and see how your child responds.

-Make sure that even when easing your control, your child knows your expectations. 

1. How will cell phones and social networking help or hurt my child's need for autonomy?

2. How might these two items create opposition and arguments?

3. Should I monitor and manage my child's accounts?

4. What threats are created to my child's spiritual and emotional well-being by having a cell phone and facebook account?