How We Love Our Children

Kohn Intro & Ch. 1

-What are your long-term objectives for your children and are your everyday practices likely to help your children grow into the people you want them to become?
-"If its too daunting to imagine how your children will turn out many years from now, think about what really matters to you today".
-"When we fail to examine our objectives, we're left by default with practices that are intended solely to get kids to do what they're told.  That means we're focusing only on what's most convenient for us, not on what they need".
-There's a big difference between a child does something because he thinks its right or one who does it out of a sense of compulsion.
-Teach them to think for themselves-even about adults' ideas.
-The question isn't just whether or how much we love our children; its how we love them.
-Conditional=behaviorism.   They have to earn our love by acting the way we want them to.  Good behavior and achievement are attached to love.  The ideal is to change what they do, which leads to disciplinary techniques.  Human interactions are like economic transactions.
-Unconditional= we love them because of who they are no matter what.  This doesn't mean they can do whatever they want.  Assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intentions.  Its the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself that matters.  Love is a gift to which all children are entitled (family proclamation support).
-"The choice between conditional and unconditional parenting is a choice between radically different views of human nature".
-It doesn't matter if we think we are loving our children unconditionally.  It matter whether they feel and experience that they are loved unconditionally.  What children feel could be very different from what we think we're giving.